Webster’s Dicktionary for the Psychopath

Oh well – why not? I can rattle them off anyway.  Let’s see how many I can get.   Here is a list of words and terms that are generally used to describe things in the Psychopathic World by victims.

A – is for the truly Amazing feelings one felt upon meeting the Psychopath and the constant Attention that was received during the courting period. It is also for the Abuse that was endured unknowingly by the victim. ; and for the unconstrained and unexpected Anger that the Psychopath displayed when he was angry at things or people who questioned him.   It is also the Acceptance needed when the victim realises that the situation is far worse than they could possibly imagine and the person they really love is a Psychopath.

B – is for the Blame that he places on you when HE does something wrong and you land up apologizing to him for his dishonestly! it is also for the lack of Boundaries that you did not put around you.

C –  is for Cognitive Dissonance that is caused by the confusion when the Psychopath plays Jekyll and Hyde in numerous aspects of the relationship;  Psychopathy’s nearest relative is listed under Cluster B Disorder – the Cluster B Disorder as described in the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders];

D – is for the Dickhead he is when he plays the Discard card.  Psychopaths are known for just breaking up ruthlessly and without any care for the way it is done. Victims are left reeling as to what just happened.  D is also for  Dupers Delight he gets when he pulls one over you; And for this Dicktionary of terms of his Deviancy . 

E –  is for the Emotional Vampire that he is.   The Energy draining relationship with him that sucks the life out of you.

F – is for the need to say “You are a Fuckwit – just like your dad was”  to him.  Thanks for taking advantage of my kindness.  It is also for the Forgiveness you have find to give yourself when you are trying to recover.  Knowing that you have Forgone so many other things in your life to give full attention to the Psychopath.

G – is for the Garden Variety Psychopath who live amongst us as Friends, Work Colleagues, Neighbours, Siblings, Partners etc.  They are not murderers nor are they the Top Gun CEO type characters. It is also for the victim’s trusting and Gullible nature ideal for getting conned by the Psychopath.

H – is for Hoover when he keeps hoovering around in and out of your life.  Just when you think he is gone – Poof! he appears again.  And if I had only known that he was telling the truth when he said “If a had a dollar for every person who said I Hate You, I would be a Millionaire”.  At least he would be rich and would not be sucking others dry.

I – is for Idiot; Me, of course, for being so silly to keep on giving when I should have stood back and said “No More – Enough is Enough! “.

J – if for the dichotomy of the Jekyll and Hyde personality he had.  He was loving one moment/day/week and then cold and disinterested and condescending and dismissive and angry the next.

K – for the Killer smile he had.  Yup! these womanizers are charming and just know what to say to make you feel loved and great about your presentation. Full points for that – My Love had been with a lot or women to gain all his experience since the age of 9…

L – is for the Love Bombing that you get the pleasure of experiencing at the Victim Lure stage.  This happens at the start where Psychopath “bombs” you with a flood of attention, message texts declaring love and adoration; 

M – is for the Mind Fuck that the Victim goes through during the relationship which results in Cognitive Dissonance;  The Psychopath also a tactic called Mirroring to mimics your likes/ dislikes /preferences just so that you think he has the same interests as you.  It is a luring tactic and Psychopaths are so apt at it most victims believe that the Psychopath is their Soul Mate!   Don’t forget the classic coping mask that the Psychopath has to put on in order to integrate with society – the Mask of Insanity.

N – is for NO Contact – An action taken when the Victim needs to cut loose all ties and communication with the Psychopath to gain freedom;  It also represents the victim’s  Naievity  [defined as innocence, lack of sophistication, lack of experience, ingenuousness, guilelessness, lack of guile, unworldliness, child-likeness, trustfulness] – what a Numnut for falling in love and tolerating so much! But NEVER AGAIN.

O – is for OMG!! I was such a douche for believing this man – let alone TRUST him with my heart and soul.

P – is for PSYCHO!!! It is also for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that one goes through after a relationship with a Psychopath.   There is also the Pathological Liar that he is .. you need to not believe anything that is verbalized unless you were there to witness it.  It also represents the Promiscuity and Pimping that the Psychopath has in all his relationships.

Q – is for the Questions he evades when he is silent, not contactable, disinterested and still has the gall to ask you to loan him monies via one short message, as he was love bombing another supply.

R – is for the Ruthlessness he displays at times matching the action of a Discard, Silent Treatment or Triangulation.  Yet he was SO gentle just yesterday .. It MUST be your fault he is acting like this.

S – is for the Stockholm Syndrome psychological effect that Victims are inextricably linked to the Abusers.  Refer case study  Stockholm Syndrome.   The Psychopath also needs his pool of Supply in order to survive. These are the women the Psychopath targets in order to get finances, lifestyle needs, sex, etc;  It is also for the Smirk he gives after Dupers Delight has been just played.   Don’t forget the very important … Silent Treatment!  The times when you wonder if you did something so wrong to upset him, or if he moved to another state,  or if he is talking to another woman/messaging on a kids site or if he is simply asleep – for a few days ? ..

T – is for Triangulation when the Psychopath plays one woman off another in order to keep both women on the edge and insecure.  Triangulation can also involve feeling jealous that the Psychopath is spending more time with his pet. There are also the classic Twenty Traits that test for Psychopathy from Robert Hare.

U – is for Unconditional Love you kept giving the Psychopath time after time thinking as others in his life have failed him, you can’t.  So you keep bearing and tolerating in vain hope he will see the love and light and turn his life around for the better.   U is also for the Unicorns that exist, just like the likely hood for the Psychopath making a permanent change for the better.

V – is for Victims. The people who love and care for these Psychopaths and those who have to understand and manage his disorder.

W –  if for the Word Salad that a Psychopath dishes out when you are having a discussion/ argument about a topic in order to throw you off the line of questioning.  Replies to your questions that are irrelevant but sound like they are related.

X – is for the XXX Extra Large pain you get when you are in/out/during/ a relationship with a Psychopath when he hurts you.  Somehow, they do it so well .. unless you get rid of them to another dimension. It is for the X-ray vision you need to have to see through all his tricks.

Y –  is for YOU.  When you realise that the Psychopath saw holes in you that he could fulfill and things you were lacking in your life.

Z – Is for … I give up. It is late. Need sleep ..

 

The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

• Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
• There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  
• Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
• STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.
  

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

• Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
• Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
• Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.
  

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

• Ron Johnson – The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. http://www.jonronson.com/   ;  https://themillions.com/2011/05/mad-mad-world-jon-ronsons-the-psychopath-test.html

• Sandra Brown – Women who love Psychopaths. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
  
• There is a site on WordPress that is written by “HG. .. ” I am not going to promote it but when you will find it and what he writes is close to home.
• James (Jim) Fallon – a self proclaimed neuroscientist – a rather amusing character  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_H._Fallon

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

• The Mask of Insanity –  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_of_Sanity

 

Psychopath Gallery – Eyes Seize Truth

During my time with the Psychopath, I used Art as a form of distracting myself and give myself some time to go into the zone.  A space in my head when the mindless chatter would sometimes slow down and I would be able to just space out.  Each of the Art pieces you see in the Psychopath Gallery could take from 1 to 4 hours to complete.  Each piece drawn represents A Concept or Emotion that I was confronted with about Psychopathy.   I have drawn about 60 odd pieces to date.

Here are two pieces I drew displaying the Concept of Seeing the Pain and the Truth.

Psychopath Gallery – “DRAGON TEAR”

He was born in the year of the Dragon.  Very much aware that he was different and had thoughts and perspectives so different from the rest of us.  I know he was at times saddened by all that he found hard to grapple with since a young boy.

Psychopath Gallery – “EYES SEIZE TRUTH”  ..  A play on I see-the Truth ..

Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO.

 

 

About Suicide – The Thick of Cognitive Dissonance

For me … the years of Cognitive Dissonance with the psychopath, led me to want to die.  

Constant thoughts everyday – that were conflicting –  that did not make sense – and that were not coherent in my heart and mind. They were exhausting to manage.  I was talking to myself every minute of the waking day.  

Looking back,  I can say that I got myself into a state of Madness.  He had trained me to give him my utmost trust and love and yet I had so many doubts about him. With both logic and emotions battling it out inside me – it was NOT A GOOD PLACE to be. He had done enough to make me doubt him; YET I loved him deep to the core against everything that was logical.

I had a big battle – either to stay (with my family) or leave (to start over with My Love).   I truly hated being torn every single day – knowing that I wanted to be with him but my gut feel was “it was not quite right”.  I knew if I gave up everything to be with him it would probably not work out.  AND yet everything I had in my life paled in comparison to my exhilarating moments with him and his different attitude to life.  But there was no way I could hurt my family for him.. or could I?? Circular thoughts with beaded obstacles.  Like a bracelet with no clasp to unlatch … 

It did not help that I had a strong preference for BOTH logic and emotion to agree before i made any decision so that made it impossible to come to a decision (ref: Simian Line on palm). A logical person would have said “No”,  and an emotional person would have said “Yes”.

Every time I think about it the incident .. the thought that MAYBE I could have died; or that maybe I wish that it had worked; or that I didn’t even know that was what I was doing until after the event – I still cannot believe it actually transpired.

Even after the years have passed, my emotions associated with the event don’t seem to have lessened in their intensity.   I can reach down inside and grab the rawness of those moments and relive those feelings of helplessness; self-hatred; feeling trapped and feeling my thoughts just spiraling out of control.  With each extra tablet I was putting in my mouth I knew I was getting closer to a place I wanted to be at .. darkness and peace.  Or so I thought..

Unfortunately being prone to depression runs in my maternal family line.  My maternal Grandmother, committed suicide in her late 60’s. I was told that they found her on a rope; upstairs;  at the family home.  I would have liked to have known more about her circumstances but as you know, everything is hush-hush when it comes to topics like these.  All I knew was that she was an extremely paranoid person and often carried a knife in her handbag to protect herself.  As for my own mother, she suffered 3 depressive episodes in her mid-life 30’s 40’s 50′ – of which I helped nurse her through 2 of them.

And I guess I am therefore genetically, a good candidate for depression and more.  This post is more to relay what happened to me that night than to discuss the onset of my depression.

I knew that I was getting more and more depressed with all that was going on – My love at that stage, was 2 years with me .. his relationship with his then fiancée was on off on off and I was head over heels in love and also not available.  One day when I discovered that she had kicked him out I REALLY wanted to suggest let’s just do it and move in together.  BUT I was afraid of hurting those around me. At that stage I obviously had no clue I was dealing with a psychopath.  

So my circular thoughts ran in this order >- Convinced he loved me -> Felt bad he was breaking up with his fiancee -> knowing that at the same time he was “hitting” on other women (all “on-line” of course, so it wasn’t “real”) -> I was always feeling jealous but being told not to be because they are “just thoughts” ->  And me not wanting to rock the boat with my family and everything structured around me -> Knowing that I could not possibly therefore be with him -> feeling bad that maybe I was the cause of the breakup.

… you get the drift – my mind was every where but at peace and crying most days.  And that is true Madness.

That evening he returned to her and I told myself that this was a good opportunity to break up.  I remember standing outside and looking at a double rainbow.  It was beautiful, light rain on my face.  It was evening and I was messaging him when he said he was back with her and could not talk to me anymore for the evening.  So we said bye for the day.  I was convinced the double rainbow was a sign that all was as planned.  Let go I kept telling myself. Let go .. you have to be free. So I went home and wept.  At that stage I had pretty much been crying most days over  2 year period (silently, in the quiet of the night or in the bathroom where the others wouldn’t see me a ask why).  I always felt a sense of anguish – about our relationship .. a deep longing and like a sense that we had something to settle – something like a debt in this lifetime. 

I went to sleep as I was exhausted.  But after a couple of hours I was still tossing.  I was restless ..  At that stage,  I was spending a whole heap of my day in my mind “talking” to him when I wasn’t with him.  [This I would like to discuss more in another post].  Suddenly I got frustrated and sick of myself.  A deep strong voice just said to me – YOU ARE A COWARD and COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE –   I, of course, was thinking back to the opportunity I had that he was available (ie. he got kicked out of the house yesterday/today) and  that I was a true coward and not just making a decision.  That inner voice got madder and angrier as the night progressed and by 2 am I had had enough myself.  So I took a variety of tablets (mainly Panadol) to try to drown that horrible nagging voice out and to actually try to get some sleep.  In the midst of it all, somehow, I lost the reason WHY I had started taking the tablets and I became obsessed with saying to myself  > YOU ARE A COWARD.  COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE.<  It repeated in me, OVER and OVER, each time it was more and more convincing.  I still couldn’t sleep and at two hourly intervals just kept taking a mixture of tablets.  Finally at 6am I was exhausted and did get some sleep.

The morning came and I was feeling drowsy and heavy headed.  I had to drive daughter to the hairdressers for an appointment.  As I couldn’t do it as asked for assistance and I just mumbled some instructions to the cutter and was driven back to rest – under the pretense of me just feeling a headache coming on.  By 2 pm that day I was really feeling the effects of the tablets and  was losing consciousness for what seemed like micro-seconds.  When I nearly hit my head on the bathroom sink as I lost consciousness, I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I was going to slip into a place unknown to me ever … I went back to lay down and within the next hour, it got worse.  I decided then I would have to have to tell my husband what had happened ie. what I had taken overnight BUT not let him decide what to do.  He knew I was going through “depression” but not much else.   Finally he convinced me that I needed to be admitted into Emergency and we drove to the nearest hospital.   I was still coherent but very fuzzy in my brain.  The doctor who examined me questioned me about the reasons why I took a variety of pills over the course of the night and whilst I kept saying it was due to the fact that I was just trying to get some sleep, he seemed unconvinced.   He called me as a high functioning person – therefore implying I had an ulterior motive for the incident. And if I tried to discharge myself out of hospital, he would have to restrain me and send me off to the more serious hospital in the city to be attended to.  Never in my life had I ever been told this sort of ultimatum.  I JUST wanted to go home and sleep it off!! I was fine!  

But no … I had to stay under orders.   The first night was the hardest.  In my mind, I kept slipping away, like really going down deep into a heavy dream state.  I kept groping my way through the darkness within my dreams to return to consciousness.  At one stage I even seemed to float past the rows of the Akashic Records.  I had been wanting to be allowed in for so long.  But I really did not want to go permanently from the world I knew.  My family, my kids.  SO I kept fighting to return to the consciousness of my hospital room that night.

I stayed overnight and another 5 more days with a 24 hour watch over me for the first 3 days.  Imagine my embarrassment on the first night, whilst still very groggy, having a stranger (ie. overnight male nurse)  in my hospital room, who had to stay awake to watch over me.  Followed by another 3 others over the next few days .. one even probing me why I did it!  Just wanted to tell her – it is none of your business! But I just kept quiet from the shame of it all. It was weird to see the drip in my arm and feel the cool rush of the solution push through my body.  I had enough of it to flush out or at least counteract the toxicity of the levels I had in my blood stream.  Plus the daily visits from the doctors and mental health professionals who were all asking the same question – Why do you do it?   [By the way, when a doctor comes into your room with a club of trainees asking your well being and all the questions, you do have the right JUST to see the doctor.  You are not obliged to spill the beans to every stranger in the ward.]    Every medical document or  referral that is churned out for me now bear the printed words “Overdose – [31813].” 

I got home eventually and have photos I took of the sunrises from my room window on the days I was in hospital which I look at sometimes.  Every year since then, this event continues to hit me on its anniversary. 

At least for now, as I have written everything down that I want to say about it, maybe a part of it will shift for me.   I will not be able to say for sure whether I did intend to suicide or not, but it was on the conscious mind as far as I can tell.  When hell is going though your mind, that Voice seems to take over. 

It is important to be careful when being with a Psychopath. He challenges you by introducing his hate for the world and slowly introduces thoughts that are not akin to what you believe in.  “He” becomes part of the Voice of hate that constantly fights you on the inside.  The same Voice that hates you for overriding your core moral and basic good self.    Keeping a tidy and safe mind is so hard to do when you are with a Psychopath.  There is no way anyone can possibly justify being a life long partner to a Psychopath, so please don’t listen to that Voice when it tells you to give up everything for him – including your own life.

… well I am glad that I am still here.  Happy Anniversary for this year.

Rising from the Depths of Despair

I am in a good place at the moment – and when I look back at how black my world was when I was in your clutches, I can see why I was so confused and so lost.  For you and others  .. who DELIBERATLY  and KNOWING go out to seek supply and harness the emotional energy that you so need to sustain your existence, are truly empty.  The diet of “Control and Power” that consumes you and keeps you lying to one person and to another so that you can keep your days filled – aside from playing Xbox.  How empty how sad how unknowing of life.

I am in a good place at the moment – and I don’t know how long it will last.  But while I am safe, safe from your hoovers and your contact, I am at least safe for now.  Each time I am in a good frame of mind, I build up a little bit more resistance.  Like a squirrel, I hide another weapon, reinforce another piece of information about you and continue to gently remind myself that I am OK and I don’t need you in my life to make me feel loved and be loved. 

I am in a good place at the moment – BUT I recite the last horrid message you sent me and remember the tears and pain that Monday in February.  The Monday I had to survive with strangers as I had a public show and I would not hide from everyone.  I know it is not good to keep hurting myself with those words but if I don’t repeat your unkindness, I may forget that deep down – that is what you TRULY are.   

I am in a good place at the moment – and I thank God and the Universe for taking care of me. I know we will never be given a challenge harder than what we can bear. My spirit will not be defeated and my flame die.  No one should be allowed to put my flame out – except me.

I am in  a good place at the moment – I want to be free.

The ‘Please Don’t’ Rules

PLEASE DON’T treat me like I am an imbecile and tell me one thing and then not do it. And then feign surprise that I am hurt and angry.  Actions speak louder than words.

PLEASE DON’T make anymore promises you can’t keep or never intended to in the first place. If you don’t want to get me the ring we talked about then why don’t you just say so instead of promising me we will?

PLEASE DON’T tell me anymore ridiculous lies about the things you have done or not done because I really don’t know which bits I trust myself to believe anymore. 

PLEASE DON’T even tell me that you regret the way you treated me before and that you have changed now and realise how much you miss and love me.  You want me back in your life again even after I let you win the last time.. and the time before .. and before.

PLEASE DON’T pretend that we both understand the nature of this relationship because I still don’t get you and why you think the way you do. To be honest, I know you don’t get who you are either!

PLEASE DON’T tell me that things can’t be controlled and that I need to stop controlling situations – when YOU are the one doing all the manipulating and pulling and pushing all along.

PLEASE DON’T say that you can’t drive over and see me because you don’t have enough money to get petrol. And then when I offer to lend you some, the excuse changes to that you are actually too tired as it is a long drive and you have to work night shifts.

PLEASE DON’T keep making me the Other Woman.  You are with her and you still with me.  Who else have you got in your hold? 

PLEASE DON’T write all those loving intimate messages if there is no soul to the words. I love you and they mean so much if you mean them.  But I am torn as everything and literature I read about ‘you’ – tells me otherwise.

PLEASE DON’T ever doubt that I AM capable of thinking for myself and remembering things that have happened in the past … even if you have somehow forgotten them and have made them a different storyline.

I never do fully stand up to you do I ?? … but I am getting close and stronger. So PLEASE DO keep showing me who you really are so I can walk free one day when I have the strength.  They say it take 8 goes on average for someone to fully walk away.  I am counting ..  

 

Recovery from the Psychopath – Yes YOU CAN

“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections

Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”.  Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.

To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard.  Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it!  The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive.   Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)… 

Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain.  And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.  

So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN  YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF. 

Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained.  All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated.  And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing.  If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing,  take a breath and STOP. 

What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way …  YOU have become your own subject to analyse.  Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day?  is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses?  I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled

…   Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me.  I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.

If you can  TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.

*****

Secondly  – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath.  There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus.  You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself. 

For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you  miss him.   Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.  

For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it.  Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him. 

******

Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”.  For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered).  Carry this vision as often as you can.  

Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat  OVER and OVER again every time things get hard.  Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”.  Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself.  I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.  

*****

In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments.  When he said/messaged “You should come and do this”  it meant that I HAD to do it.  If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way.   And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him.  All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.

I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.   

*****

References

• In the “E-Squared” book by Pam Grout page 11 she writes about Intentions being instantaneous as in the quantum world. Imagine how amazing that would be/ is!!
• In Cyndi Dale’s book “The Subtle Body Practice Manual” page 108 it gives steps to setting a new intention.
• https://www.ted.com/talks/sandrine_thuret_you_can_grow_new_brain_cells_here_s_how?language=en
• http://www.serenityvibrationhealing.com/  – I attended a course for this – the concept being you can download programs that are ready to be used.
• EMDR http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

 

Psycho Speak. Google Translate.

Psychopath Gallery – “PSYCHO SPEAK. GOOGLE TRANSLATE”.  This is what WORD SALAD would look like in an art from.  A pretty salad with Toxic Contents and a Rose for garnishing.

A psychopath can say something and and not be able to feel it. How does one discharge true emotions from a meaningful sentence?  Robert Hare talks about how psychopaths can be non-emotional when they view an image or see a video/movie that would normally trigger a reaction in a non-psychopath’s brain region, but not in theirs.

Looking back, I can see his messages to me in another light –  if we use Google Translate then the words from one language get converted into another – without meaning or context.  Any words involving love, regret, promise .. are powerful plays for intended outcomes. Take the “S”hit out of WORDS and you get a SWORD to slay with.

SO .. WHEN YOU WRITE THIS TO ME …

“Dear Beautiful, please know that I can never take back things I’ve said or done to hurt you, but my Love and Feelings have always been real, we both made a promise to each other to be that for ever… I will write to you, but I also need to see you if u do really love me then ease my yearning to see u, as u should yearn to see me too I Love you xo have a great day and weekend I’ll buy you something and send it to you later”.

GOOGLE TRANSLATED It must be like this in your head emotionally …

“Hi there Supply for Money. Do you think I actually am sorry for hurting you? Naive… BUT I am currently short of money so I need to hoover and check if you  are in the mood.  Let me try the Love Bombing approach of Soul Mate type shit and see if you respond.  I may need some cash later next week and I just want to set the scene up. You know that I intend never to return the money, right?  I also do not intend to buy you anything at all, as I would have spent your cash on myself but I know you like to hear these words so I will text them to you.”

*********

SO .. WHEN YOU WRITE THIS TO ME …

“Sorry I fucked u around when all u did was support and love me, nothing I can say or do will show how sorry I am for what I or we have lost together, I wish u all the best in the future with all u do, I’ll always love and miss you and regret the way I miss treated you sorry K .. my w goodbye and take care xo”

GOOGLE TRANSLATED It must be like this in your head emotionally …

“I KNOW you are suspicious and angry enough to ignore me for a few days now.  I do not really want to lose you as a source.  I think I better put the blame on me for now and make you feel like you need to pity me.  If I make it sound like we will never have contact again, you may feel sorry for what we have lost and at least reply to me soon. .. I hope this works … it has been 2 days of no response ..”

*********

Please note that the above mercy begging script was sent to me AFTER YOU WROTE THIS A MONTH BEFORE .. in the coldest of tones ..

“Firstly there is no other (ie. woman). But I think for your sanity and my sanity I think this needs to end, that is the only fair thing for everyone. I hope u understand I do love and miss u but this won’t work and isn’t fair on anyone. hope you will be OK.”

“I am ALREADY love bombing my next victims .. and you are boring me – and I need you to be around but not too close as I need time to bond with the new victim. I will be harsh to you for now as I know you well enough to get you back later on when I may need more favors.  I will convince you we need time apart for now so I can be free to play around and groom the others. “

The Psychopath is so inconsistent and unable to feel any remorse for what is said – that it will drive the victim nuts.

There is a very good WordPress blogger who proudly goes under the banner of a Psychopath – I am reluctant to bring it to attention with a link but sufficient to say google “Evil” on WordPress and you will find it.  

He wrote in an article, how a Narc can just do it over and over again to another woman what he just did to you. What he described (a Psychopath’s intention) provided the mirror image that I could not see for such a long time. 

Then I found myself “liking” his blogs and articles and I realized that I  was condoning the essence of the toxic content.  Anyone who has ever been involved with a Psychopath must be MAD to “like” anything written about how a Psychopath happily manipulates and makes another’s life miserable.   

 

sp. Past Lives – Blood Pact – Friday the 13th

DO I BELIEVE IN PAST LIVES? Yes.  Can I prove it? No .. but I know I knew you My Love, from long before this current lifetime ..

I had asked 2 Psychics/Spiritual Beings about my past life with My Love.  And was told that I had 12 with him.  Lives that involved travel over the oceans, being siblings, husband and wife, captured harem … and the BLOOD PACT.   

I am still exploring this area as I personally have yet to encounter an incident that proves that I have memories of a past life.  My Love is/was the first time I even contemplated this concept.  You know this concept of “Love at first sight” – in all my years, I have not ever had a deep feeling that I actually KNOW a person after just meeting them.  Our bond I felt, was strong – despite his disorder. Even now, many months later – I still feel it.  I feel him in me …

We apparently made a blood pact in a previous lifetime before we ended our lives together – slashed wrists, crossed and held our wrists – and jumped.. BUT I think it is time we set ourselves free in this lifetime. Despite our bonds being so strong. I know we have been together before – the feelings between us are so strong .. unimaginable. 

But surely there can’t be happiness in so much madness.  Which Succubus did you make a contact with? I hope you find a way out …

My heart I know, belongs to you and I knew you even before I even met you … but during our time together,  when being with you hurts so much due to your madness and treatment of me, I wished I could rip my heart out at times.

But lately, since you released me ever so slightly,  I feel that maybe, just maybe – we can just love each other from afar. Please don’t hoover me anymore – Let me go –  if you truly love me.

Wild African Dog

Psychopath Gallery – N.S.P Codex

Psychopath Gallery – “N.S.P – CODEX”

Narcissist; Sociopath; Psychopath … The types of toxic relationships with roots that drain you of all emotion and leave you a Hollow Self.  An emotional vampire .. my psychopath. I was a Supply for so many aspects of your life.

But then, you have always been my Muse with all your sad, weird life stories and confronting thoughts about what the true principles of life should be.   You showed me a side of life so different to mine, that it made me feel so alive.  It felt so special just to be me when I was with you.

Thank you for bringing Art back into my life.