The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

• Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
• There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  
• Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
• STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.
  

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

• Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
• Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
• Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.
  

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

• Ron Johnson – The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. http://www.jonronson.com/   ;  https://themillions.com/2011/05/mad-mad-world-jon-ronsons-the-psychopath-test.html

• Sandra Brown – Women who love Psychopaths. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
  
• There is a site on WordPress that is written by “HG. .. ” I am not going to promote it but when you will find it and what he writes is close to home.
• James (Jim) Fallon – a self proclaimed neuroscientist – a rather amusing character  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_H._Fallon

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

• The Mask of Insanity –  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_of_Sanity

 

Recovery from the Psychopath – Yes YOU CAN

“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections

Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”.  Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.

To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard.  Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it!  The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive.   Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)… 

Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain.  And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.  

So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN  YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF. 

Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained.  All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated.  And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing.  If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing,  take a breath and STOP. 

What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way …  YOU have become your own subject to analyse.  Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day?  is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses?  I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled

…   Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me.  I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.

If you can  TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.

*****

Secondly  – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath.  There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus.  You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself. 

For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you  miss him.   Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.  

For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it.  Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him. 

******

Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”.  For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered).  Carry this vision as often as you can.  

Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat  OVER and OVER again every time things get hard.  Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”.  Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself.  I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.  

*****

In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments.  When he said/messaged “You should come and do this”  it meant that I HAD to do it.  If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way.   And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him.  All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.

I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.   

*****

References

• In the “E-Squared” book by Pam Grout page 11 she writes about Intentions being instantaneous as in the quantum world. Imagine how amazing that would be/ is!!
• In Cyndi Dale’s book “The Subtle Body Practice Manual” page 108 it gives steps to setting a new intention.
• https://www.ted.com/talks/sandrine_thuret_you_can_grow_new_brain_cells_here_s_how?language=en
• http://www.serenityvibrationhealing.com/  – I attended a course for this – the concept being you can download programs that are ready to be used.
• EMDR http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

 

Ending a relationship with NO CLOSURE

Victims often find it hard to end a Psychopathic Relationship – Often the victim HAS to walk away, having NO CLOSURE to the relationship.  Either you leave the psychopath or he leaves you.  It is rarely amicable. Unlike in a normal relationship generally, both parties get to sit down, talk things over and decide, “Oh well, it is better we part as it is not going to work”.

If you leave him, you run the risk of him being vicious and vindictive as he is not ready to let go, or if he lets you “go”, you will be hovered and pursued again after some time has elapsed.

If he leaves you – it tends to be sudden and then there is generally silence.  The psychopath has either latched on to another source of supply or has realised his relationship with his current supply (whom he was playing off against you) needs saving.

But if you don’t leave you will  continue to argue with the psychopath about why he treated you “that way” or lied.  But try ..  you need time as you are SO confused, you need space to think.  By then your mind is full of jumbled thoughts and “jumping monkeys” that you no longer live in the space of the current time.

WALKING AWAY when I still loved my love so much was one of the most painful and hardest things I have had to do.  He wasn’t ready to let me go and he wasn’t happy that I then had control over the relationship.  He was so used to testing and teasing me with the line “OK – This is it then ..” to which I would then retract my accusations and accept the situation as it was.  But this time, I found the courage and strength to start the “No Contact” process.  Victims need to go No Contact even if it is for a short time to start off.  I urge you if you can, have a break, a small one if you can’t think of it forever. Try to set a time frame of 2 weeks .. 1 month .. 3 months to start.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE PAST THE FOG IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY TRAPPED IN IT.

Here are some questions I have for the my love, the wolf…

• WHAT does it feel like to want to devour another – body, mind and soul?
• DID you really love me – in whatever capacity you had? ie. Did I mean something to you compared to the others?
• WHEN your soul is empty do you fill yourself up with the emotions from others? Is that why you find it unbearable to be on your own with your own company? Without these emotions would you really feel bored? Couldn’t you just join a soccer team and do sport like other people do?
• IS this game or intention something you actually get joy out of? ie. making friends with unsuspecting women/teenagers to try to get them to say they love you or send you a photo of themselves within a maximum of 6 messages?
• IS life all about getting a person to confide in you – you feel like it is “win” that they trust YOU – a total online stranger – with all their deep secrets?
• I read that you actually can’t feel empathy or love (as best as we can define it) – or CAN you? If you can, does it ever last and how long? Was I one of the longest you had?
• WHY do you get bored with women so easily and move from one to another?  Is it that once you have studied them sufficiently, you need new challenges?
• DOES the knowledge that someone really loving you NOT mean anything to you?
• WHICH bits of your life stories that you have told me are real?
• Do you know I truly feel sorry for you in the sense that you will land up old and lonely just like your dad in his dying days? You hated him so much for leaving you and your mum and for being a womaniser but yet you are just like him…
  

I gave you – Me, My Heart and Unconditional Love. EVEN NOW – knowing what you are – if I knew you were in an accident or really needed help, I would still come.  I think I will always feel this way even with the passing of time. I love you, you dickhead Psychopath.

But for now- I have to cut my losses. Too much was not making sense and I was getting sick of the silent treatment and the dismissive devaluing comments.

MORE TO FOLLOW:  Leaving a Psychopath is a dangerous move.

 

 

 

Define a Psychopath

I doubt that this will be the first site you land up on researching a psychopath as there are so many out there now, including recovery forums. BUT if by chance you haven’t read about a psychopath and what who he/she is … in not so many words I would define it in layman’s terms  as “A Psychopath is a normal looking person who is generally charming and seductive … but who is also the greatest con artist /manipulator with no real ability to feel remorse when they hurt you.  Unfortunately they are wired that way and there is scientific proof via brain scan images to prove it.”

I am also going to qualify my definition by saying there are different grades or levels of psychopaths.  Not all are “mean” as they have the ability to supress their “meanness” if they choose to and there are different degrees of “meanness” they are capable of inflicting, depending on where they sit on the spectrum of this disorder.

I think whilst it is hard to label someone “a psychopath” it is very plausible that the final conclusion CAN come from a victim or a brain scan. Only a victim will know what their psychopath has really done and said that defines him as one. (Or he can be a self discovered psychopath like James Fallon.)  EVENTUALLY, a psychopath shows his inconsistencies and traits over a period of time.  A high scoring psychopath is much too clever to reveal to the medical/legal/clinical profession via questions and answers what he is really planning or plotting – he is after all, pretty smart.  Well – mine was anyway.  Even the Forensic Psychologist for the recent court case concluded that “the system had let him down and he is not to blame for the crime he committed”. 

When he was eleven, his mother sent him to a psychologist who did one of those tests – “put blob of ink then fold a paper in half  and see what patient interprets”. The whole time all he said was “I see a blob of ink on a piece of paper.” It drove her mad (along with other  questioning tactics that did not work)… and she wrote a letter to his mum stating she could not take on his case! He was stoked!

Psychopaths exist in all sections of our community but the general categories are:-

• Leaders – including CEOs and Political leaders (Picasso included!)
• Garden Variety – the acquaintances, work colleagues, friends, and family who surround us
• Criminals – I guess, these are the horrifically well documented cases that you would read about …

Not all Leaders and Criminals are Psychopaths, and not all Psychopaths are Leaders/Criminals.  But  in our everyday lives, it is the “Garden Variety Psychopath” whom we accidentally come across who completely blow our minds as we who are “psycho naïve” are not expecting to be slaughtered for showing kindness.  If the psychopath merely crosses your path and does not have a use for you, you will never even know of your chance encounter – he would be remembered as a very funny and charming  person/friend. 

The Robert HARE checklist PCL-R can be used as a general guide to assist you in assessing if traits of the person you are assessing resemble those of a psychopath.  Refer http://www.hare.org/scales/pclr.html.

So one has to assess after going through the checklist, on the BALANCE of probability whether  you think  the person concerned HAS a psychopathic disorder. Does he/she score high enough on the spectrum to be classified a psychopath?  A score above 30 on the checklist pretty much puts a person in the category of being a psychopath.  Look at then end of the day – we are all nuts in some ways.  But if you carry more nutty habits than the usual rat bag,  you would be TRUE NUTCASE right?

Of course like everything else in the world, psychopaths come in all shapes and sizes – there is NO singular defining look that they have.  I liked the way mine looked – I just hate that he faked everything to get what he wanted out of me and that I was naïve enough to want so strongly to help him change and lead a better life than prior to meeting me.

Here are the twenty traits to be assessed and scored as per the PCL-R  [Note: my comments/ observations of my love are in italics.]

• glib and superficial charm  — he was definitely charming!  Most ladies loved him. I was able to observe this and was constantly reminded by him of his ability to flatter. Eyed them up and down; loved to chat with anyone who would listen including transport drivers who came to pick up goods.  He had a way of making the ladies know that he was looking, paying attention to them and interested in what they had to say.
• grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self — most conversations eventually led to discussing him.  If I ever spoke ever about myself I could see his interest in our conversation waning… this was after the initial pursuit stage of course.  Although he did not have a high level of education (dropped out of middle school) he carried an air of authority.   He ALWAYS knew or has some opinion about things, including areas he was not an expert in.  In addition, I found it surprising that he told other people that he was well liked by other staff members and doing well in his vocation – which I knew was not true.  He never  doubted himself and he was rarely admitted he was wrong even when he was.  He also had a strong conviction that “I (he) can get ANY woman I want”.
• need for stimulation —  yes he got bored easily and liked  provoking people with outrageous statements to test their reactions … (but I won’t claim this one – I think all people need stimulation or they will get bored?)  This need however, did apply to his pre-occupation to get to know as many women (and to a lesser extent men) via the internet.  He loved  relating to me how he was able to extract personal information from strangers – especially if they put up a barrier initially.  Also collecting “personal” images was a huge hobby for him.  He would often qualify it by saying “It is not real!  I don’t see these people.”  He even managed to get two women to consider flying across the globe to start a new life here with him!  By the way, age was no barrier to his taunted victims.
• pathological lying — the best way to look at this one is – if you KNOW they have done something, and they tell you they told a close friend that they DID NOT…. then you do have evidence that they are lying right? And these instances are not for the cause of a “white lie” or just one offs. In job interviews he would say that he attended training or study at places that he did not … or make up stories to fill in the gaps in his life; or reasons for being sacked; or relationships breaking down; or why he stopped being friends with somebody; or why YOU misunderstood what he said; or you must have forgotten he told you something before; or how he did message you back (but he didn’t because you managed to see his trail of messages on HIS phone and there was actually no reply).  I think this also leads to the “pity ploy” sad stories that psychopaths tell about things that happened to them in their lives.  Now that I understand more about the disorder, I am so uncertain as to which parts of his life story are true.  In this respect, a lot of victims land up being detectives and spend so much of their time trying to uncover “the truth”.   I noted that my love either unconsciously re-wrote history in his mind or simply chose to believe a version of the situation that suited him at that a point in time.  So unless I was there at the time to witness what happened, there was nothing to go by .  His version, was quick sand.  The more you dig, the more “Word-Salad”  and “Gas Lighting”  occurs as a result.   I basically get lied to and mind fucked (pardon the expression) when I questioned his inconsistencies.  His lies affected my mental judgement and well-being, eventually leading to cognitive dissonance.  I still can’t believe that all his professed love was faked ?? .. for a desired outcome.
• Hurt versus Lies
• The start of Cognitive Dissonance
• cunning and manipulativeness — One step ahead.  He could manipulate a situation to his outcome with careful planning with his supply. Me included.  After all you were considered LUCKY if he asked you for your help or to borrow money – which he never returned of course. Why would he?  After all YOU were the one who offered to help.. he didn’t ask.  And he “created situations where the female partner would think she ended their relationship so that it would not make him look like an arsehole.  Lucky her!
• Psychopathic Relationships – How they play
• lack of remorse or guilt — if you have ever seen someone SMIRK after they hurt you, you will know … or if they have done something wrong and they eventually say “sorry” in a toss away manner just so you can move on and stop reminding the psychopath about it. But said to appease, not because they actually mean it.
• shallow affect / (superficial emotional responsiveness) —  I equate it to an expression – “Puddle Deep Love”.  There is a HUGE debate as to whether a psychopath CAN actually “love”.  Due to the fact that everyone has their version of what “love” is and there are different kinds of “love” depending on who we are referencing, I don’t know if he felt “love” for me the same way I did.   And compared to other women he had been with, was what he felt for me more intense as he proclaimed?   And was it “love” as he declared it or was he just faking it (“mirroring”)?   One thing I am sure of – a psychopath’s version of “love” lasts as long as he is intrigued or fascinated by you.  He will bombard you with attention and flattery and will not give up pursuit.  However, if he turns his attention else where ie. another woman, you would get minimal attention and scathing remarks for bothering him.  So even if psychopaths can “love”, it is short lived and unstainable through tough times … and therefore this is what is meant by puddle deep/ shallow affect.
• callousness and lack of empathy — sometimes he says things that are mean smirks as he says it.  If something unfortunate happens to others, his main comment would be “Probably deserved it” or “Must be karma”.  He held the opinion that EVERYONE manipulates each other to get the outcome they want – so why was he any different?  Well .. as he said, at least he was always “honest” with me and didn’t hide his true beliefs in life.  
• “Empath” – A newly learned word.
• Parasitic lifestyle — Has lived off others in terms of accommodation and finances partially in his life – again I can’t tell what is real and what was a lie – but he did move in with a woman because it was convenient after jail and claims it was because he loved her.  It is sad when you come across someone who has worked for most of his life and does not have a penny to his name after all these years.  He lost a lot of it when he went to jail and also I think when he leaves his women folk, he prefers to just “Up and Go” and take no baggage –  X-Box; training equipment; furniture included.  “Rolling stones gather no moss” as they say.
• poor behavioural controls — Yes my love had explosive temper; rage; foul language.  Whilst I thought it was “cute” to see him flare up (I was “the one” who could at least partly  calm him down during these episodes), it was very evident rage was an issue. I WILL give him credit – he did stop the foul language after much persuasion and determination as it was going to cost him his job at that point in time.  On the road,(witnessing as a passenger) when he got angry, the “Road Rage” was quite terrifying.  He did not hesitate to yell at the other driver and was more than happy to get out of the car and have a proper go.  The swearing at other drivers and testing the aspect of “who backs down last” was interesting to observe though.  In our world, may people proclaim to be this or that, but not many actually stand by what they say when it comes to the crunch.  He was willing to go for it – may be because he didn’t care about dying …  He hated any form of authority ie. being told off if he was in the wrong by a manager.
• sexual promiscuity  —   Where DO I begin? Starting with sex at age of 9 with 13 year old?! And without giving too much detail – I will just say lots and lots of women. Age was not a barrier to the challenges of targeting a woman.  He pursued his sister’s friends; his best friend’s wife’s sister; his Aunty (while she was still married); his neighbour (he was 15 she was 24);  his mum’s best friend; other work staff simultaneously;   online with teenagers.  Very experienced and very smug that he taught his women well.
• early behaviour problems — Always in trouble at school. Detention and punishment. Was kicked out of home at 15. His mother took him to a boys home and left him there as she could not control him.  He challenged her at every turn.  He said she did not like him because he reminded her of his dad (who was a womaniser).  Given that, I feel sorry that he was born 3 weeks prematurely during/after a car crash.  I can’t image how horrific it would have been and he often relates being in an incubator with the lack of closeness he feels towards him mother.  (I hope this story that he has told me is true?)
• lack of realistic long-term goals — If I said he never stayed at a job long enough than 1 to 2 years…. or be in any relationship longer than 3 to 4 years, would that be sufficient evidence? 
• impulsivity — Very much a live by the day type person. No savings and just did things and lived life with no consequences for tomorrow. For all the boasting he did about how much he earned in his career – all of it had been spent or wasted away.
• irresponsibility — “Not my fault! The box was labelled wrong. The goods were placed on the wrong shelf”. Umm…. but YOU packed the order?  and YOU placed the goods on the shelf? As I mentioned before, he rarely admitted to anything being his fault.  The minor crime he was convicted for was the fault of “the kid as she was manipulative”. In some ways as I think of him as a teenager in his behaviour…
• failure to accept responsibility for own actions — Penalties and fines incurred from traffic infringements were not his duty to pay.  Failed relationships were the fault of the women as they didn’t live up to their end of the bargain. 
• many short-term marital relationships —  One marriage with 2 kids; two engagements with two different women within 3 years (one of them landed up having his child whom he has never seen and she has had to move overseas to move on with her life) At this stage he does not see or have a relationship with any of his children.  His ex-wife has forbidden contact.  He seems regretful about this situation and appears to love his children at times and then on other occasions will say that he doesn’t care anymore about them anymore as they have their own lives.
• juvenile delinquency — Been in jail yes. Not too long though. Amazingly the stories he told me about the tactics he used for survival to protect himself was impressive.  Despite not being a bulky built thug (he is tall and slim), he knew what to do and who to befriend in order to survive the 6 months.   His stories of survival are quite amazing and I must say I was intrigued how he kept his mind going for 6 months whilst being stuck in jail.  Smokes and body building were the go.
• revocation of conditional release  — Yes the parole was breached (but I considered it a minor breach so I won’t claim this one)
• criminal versatility — (unable to comment. I don’t think he was a murderer one day then a mugger the next).

Along with the defining traits of a psychopath as listed above, there are also defining patterns of the nature of their romantic relationships  and treatment of their victims.  In general, most psychopaths run their relationships in predictable manner.  Once again, a reminder, not every psychopath is the same.  However, in my case, after I was able to pull away and study my love, I could see how his relationship had the defining pattern prescribed to psychopaths.  Psychopaths pick and target their victims – women with certain qualities suitable for manipulation.  Psychopathic Relationships – How they play  

In terms of friendships, as a general observation, my love preferred having lady friends and had very few male friends.   He was fine dealing with males at work, but he just had very few “mates”.  

Victims also find it very hard to pull away from their abuser as the mental hold a psychopath has over the victim is strong.  Think of it like the mental conditioning/ training of a dog (as crude as it sounds).  It is purely a “conditioning and reward system” during the duration of the relationship.  Even AFTER the victim finds out about the disorder,  trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome are appropriate ways of describing the stronghold  a psychopath has over his victims.  Victims are also referred to as “Supply”.  N.S.P Codex

If you ask “What is all the fuss about when you break up from a Psychopath versus a normal-person break up?”  The answer lies in the numerous recovery sites on the world wide web and the books written to date.   In a non-psychopathic relationship, you break up because you don’t think/know the relationship is not going to work out in the long term and you are not happy.  You knew the person, you had valid reasons for breaking up and you do this with a clear mind.  However, when you break up with the psychopath – you are still very much in love with him, but not really .. and you are happy, but not really and .. he seems genuine, but not really .. the reasons are all fluid and unfounded.  You break up with an unclear mind, worse still, with no closure.  How can your mind be clear thinking and be at peace, if you have been mind-fucked and are so confused?   Let alone stay sane when you are “Hovered” after the breakup?  (Some psychopaths do not like the fact that their victim escapes from them and even after the break, psychopaths continue to angle and dangle their victims with sorriness and regret – as cat do to mice).

There is speculation that psychopathy can come with secondary disorders such as being a hoarder or being OCD (obsessive) with something in life.  In this respect I am unable to ascertain if this is true. In my love’s case, he was a neatness freak by nature but would if he lived with another, he would adapt to their habits.  I think he learnt it was less trouble when he moves in with a woman if he “chameleoned” himself.  This aspect is also part of a self taught strategy psychopaths use called “Mirroring”

Now, all those listed traits above and my comments about my love are very judgmental observations from me.  But if I dared to contact the other women  he was involved or had been involved in (which I would love to but it would be pointless and dangerous too), I think I would not be the only one with those observations.

Besides – after meeting his best friend of 25 years once (who is no longer in contact with my love), and without my asking, says to me “HE IS A PSYCHOPATH.  HE LEAVES A TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION AFTER HIM” as he walked away – Who am I to argue with a stranger?

In addition, after I started to distance myself, I decided to message my love one day asking him curiously … “Do you know what you are?”  His response: “A psychopath”. 

He has known all along from his mid twenties and to a certain degree since he was a kid something was wrong with him.  He told me he did a search as to what was “wrong” with him after a string of failed relationships.  After all if your mother puts you in a boys home at the age of 15 because she is unable to control you, what message does that send to the child?  He made a very poignant observation in one of our recent discussions – “I will never know true happiness because I don’t even know who I truly am”.

BUT like a true psychopath,  within the next few days he denied it (in disdain, I will add claiming he said it to me because I expected him to say it???) and said to me, “I am not a psychopath. YOU ARE.”

Bravo my love. Another tick!