The Dark Secrets untold – Grooming numbness

When he started telling me his “secrets that no one else really knows about” I could not imagine the number of secrets or deviant adventures that he got up to.  At first, they started as small ones – a bit quirky, a bit funny and laughable.  But towards the end, I think if he had told me about them on the first day we met, I would have immediately walked away.  But as they say, a Psychopath grooms his victims well.  So much so that when you are standing in the path of a car that is about to run you over, you don’t even realise that you are being hit. 

However, for the longest time ever, I was not sure it the stories he told me were real or made up to get a reaction. The fact that he had the imagination to even think of doing it,  was one of the things that intrigued me.  The way his mind worked, so different from mine, was, to me .. ashamedly FASCINATING.  Everything was naughty, devious, cheeky, sexy, fun and twisted … that was how it was portrayed as.  I loved the spontaneity and  unabashedness of how situations were viewed by him – so yes, the way he looked at things did bring back youthfulness to the jaded adult life that I was living in.  But as time passed, I realised there was more than just “fun” to his stories and adventures  – he always landed up hurting someone or some family.

I met him in his forties – so by then, he had been married once and divorced, and then gotten engaged to two other women over a period of 3 to 4 years  [Both relationships did not eventuate in marriage].  He had a boy and girl from his first marriage and a girl with his second fiancee.  The ex-wife has a restraining order over him and the second fiancee had asked him for full custody of his daughter as she moved overseas to get away from him.

He indicated that he also had been with “a few” women.  Looking back I think I could safely say, with his prowess, he would easily have slept with 100 women.  When I first asked him how many he said “like 20” but over time when I saw how quickly picked girls up and slept with them I realised health could be in danger.

So here goes – I will tell them as best as I can remember …

HE STARTED YOUNG.  When he was 9 years old, he slept with his 13 year old sister’s friend.  That was his first sexual encounter. Thereafter, he also slept with his sister (once?) as they use to “play” with each other as they grew up sleeping in the same room. She was older by a few years.  On Facebook, she looks normal – with a family and 2 kids. I often wonder if she realised what her younger brother was doing to her and how she feels now.

As a child, he use to hide in the laundry basket in his mother’s bed room and watch her shower and dress.  He admitted to me in the last month before we had no contact that he still had sexual feelings towards his mother, sometimes dreaming of her.  He did call her and tell her about it but I am not sure what she said to him.  When she was accidentally drugged once at a party, and he was 16? .. he made out with her while she had “passed out”. I still can recall his face when he relayed that story – the smile, the fact he got away with it, the satisfaction of being with his mother. I REALLY did not know whether to believe him or not – as it just seemed implausible for a son to want to have his mother so badly ..

When he was 13, he “blackmailed” his 24 year old  neighbour to allow him to rub her naked, back and front. He said he knew some secrets about her that he used as a leverage point.  In his teenage years, he also slept with his mother’s good friend and had a relationship with his aunty (by marriage) for a few years – without the knowledge of his uncle.  These older ladies “could not get enough” of him. 

When he was 18 and homeless, he slept under the house of his girlfriend for a month and she would sneak him in to her room to have sex when her mother was not home.

HE MARRIED NB in his early 20’s and after 9 years and 2 kids, they separated.  He said after they split, she used him to fund her studies and lodged a false report that he was violent to her.  For NB , he enjoyed a session where he had a friend take her while he watched and in turn, he made out with the other man’s wife.    Since then NB has refused to let his children see him.  He hopes that when they turn 18 they will try to contact him.

HIS MUSINGS would make me gasp and “blush”.  Suggestions of Three or foursomes; suggestions that he should have sex with one person whilst holding some one else (like the person’s partner) hostage to watch the action.  Suggestions of rape and graphic situations.

ELLE LASTED ONE YEAR. He met Elle while he was at work – she was the Boss’ daughter.  Elle was divorced with a daughter, Mandy from her first marriage. Apparently Mandy was very attracted to him and would often say to her mum, Elle that she hoped to kill her mum and marry the psycho and live with him.  Mandy was around 6 or 7 years old then.  Psycho claimed he was not interested in Mandy at all and it was all this 7 year old’s doing.   He was busy working 2 jobs and was taking drugs to keep his energy up.   One day, Mandy told her dad that she had been having showers with psycho and that she was touching him.   According to psycho, when I first met him,   SHE (Mandy) was the weird one and kept pestering him to allow her to touch him. And as he was on a lot of drugs, most of times when she insisted on touching him, he was spaced out and could not think straight.  Hell broke loose when Mandy’s father reported psycho to the police. Of course,  psycho denied all allegations.  Elle said that she would believe psycho only IF he took a lie detector test (about the allegations), but he said he did not want to cause any more trouble and thought it was best he ended their engagement there and then.  He said Mandy had serious sexual issues and for the sake of not causing anymore pain, he confessed (“even though he did nothing really wrong”)  and was sentence to 6 months in prison.  At the same time , Elle had fallen pregnant with psycho’s child.   [This was the initial version of the story that he told me at the beginning when we met after I prodded.]

A few years later, when he told me additional things about the case, those additional “facts” made me think otherwise – that was, PERHAPS – HE was really the perpetrator.  I can see now that he did have an “interest” in children and it worried me.

He lives under the shadow of the Registry for this offense and is bound to report all incidents when he comes into contact with children.  Elle has since moved to Canada with Mandy and psycho’s baby to start a new life and has full custody of the children.

HE WENT TO JAIL for 9 months.  He survived knowing who to butter up and therefore remained safe.  He worked out and bulked up during that period and was very please with his physique.  When he was released, he had to live with Grace, a sponsor of some sort, who was suppose to look after him while he was on parole.  Grace was his senior and they got along well and had sex … once according to him.  

After a few months,  he decided to move in with a woman , KY whom he met before he went into jail.   He was in love with KY and proposed to her.   He was technically supposed to be living at Grace’s house but he decided not to.    KY’s and psycho’s relationship was up and down.  He talked about KY being interested in another women.  One day when he caught his KY making out with another mum from school and he decided to join in the action.  That made her very mad apparently.  He had a hot crush on KY’s second daughter – 16 at that time, a red head who was well endowed.  He would rub the tooth brushes of KY teenage girls’ on his pubic hair so that he could watch them brush their teeth with that knowledge.  He would climb up to the roof of the bathroom of the house and watch the girls shower from up above.  He would also get approached by KY’s girls seductively while he lived under the same roof but apparently “he never did anything”.  The youngest daughter, at that time was 7 or 8.  She had a friend (who was one year older) who used to after everyone went to sleep, make him lick her until she came (he knew she came as the taste in his mouth changed).  But “he never did anything with her”.   This story he only told me right at the end before he left with a discard .. and to this day , a part of me is not sure what to believe ..  To be honest, KY was also a bit dysfunctional .. all daughters from different marriages.  She was just too trusting with her daughters .. but towards the end of their relationship, she threw a knife at him and asked why don’t you just sleep with my daughter?

WHILE HE WAS WITH KY, HE HAD INTERNET AFFAIRS THAT DID NOT COUNT AS THEY WERE “NOT REAL”.  He had an phone affair with a 60 year old woman in Canada whose husband found out later and stopped it when she wanted to fly out here to be with him. He would have long conversations and messages everyday for a few months and it would drive me mad to feel so jealous.  But she was not the only one who distracted him so I knew he was a smooth player.

HE GROOMED WOMEN HE MET ON THE NET AS WELL. After he broke up with KY and was technically a free man he went on-line and trolled the young and old on Messenger.  He would not converse with anyone here in this country, only overseas so that it would be harder to track him if anything happened.  His goal was to see how resistant the girls were in sending photos of themselves and what the average number of messages was required to obtain those photos.  Obviously he took pride in HIS selfies as he was able to demo him wares.  One night he showed me a mex girl who had sent him photos of herself .. she was so in love with him from what I could read from her replies.  so young and impressionable .. there were ladies older than him as well from what I understand.  His philosophy – they are all lonely and getting attention and happiness from him – so what is the problem? he was not doing anything wrong.  By messaging them, he was making them feel loved and for some, less suicidal. At times I reckon he was “entertaining” 30 to 50 women on his phone.  He had the ability to pick up form his gaming or chat sites, the more vulnerable ones.  

FINALLY HE HAD A WOMAN WHO WAS WILLING TO MOVE FROM THE STATES TO BE WITH HIM.   His new love, Liz, who had been sexually abused by her father as a teenager and SHE was also coming out here to live with him!! Hoorah! He started looking for places to rent with her when she arrived (and asked me for help to look for a place for them .. REALLY??  Psycho had a really warped sense of obligation.  Liz was under medication and her mother (who apparently knew of her husband abusing her daughter through out the years) refused to let her leave the States.  When Liz declared her love for psycho, she would say “I love you Daddy”.  Due to the fact that she was always looking for her father’s approval, they only way she could say she loved him, was to use the “Daddy” term.  Anyway  Liz never made it out here. [As a friend said to me at that time, anything a Psychopath says is going to happen, rarely does, as pathological liar never coverts words to action]

BUT SHE NEVER DID COME.  After Liz’s plans fell apart,  he was on his own and living single.  He met Vivian from Insurance, who was in love with him, but he only liked her as a friend and nothing happened between them. He liked being single and needed a break from relationships.

BEING SINGLE .. DID NOT LAST.  After 4 months of trolling the net and hooking up with various women, he met RT on Tinder.  Well educated and a Pharmacist, with a home to share and always purchasing nice gifts for him,  she allowed him to move in with her after a month.  Unknown to her, his “play time” always coincided when she went back to visit her family in London. During that period/ month he would live with other women whom he had groomed and scoped out during the year; re-establish contacts with previous discards; try to re-establish contact .. hoover again you could say.  Eventually,  I think RT suspected that he was not really “at home” while she was away  They apparently lasted less than 2 years.

While psycho was living with RT, he drove Vivian to work each day.  Psycho worked night shift and in the mornings, he would go to Vivian’s house and pick her to to take her to work in the city, as it was on his way home.  RT would be at work by the time he reached home and would technically only see him during the weekends when they both did not work.  I was puzzle by this arrangement but maybe he finally worked out a way of being with 2 women.

THERE’S MORE . But I am tired and I just don’t want to be the mind keeper of his stories anymore. Hence why I am letting go of them.

Over the period of getting to know the psychopath, when he told these stories, I realised they were also part of “GROOMING THE VICTIM”.  I was fed little bits of his stories at a time.  Told in a way to test and seed ideas outside what I may deem my personal moral boundaries. Judge and see my reaction, and if I would push him away and tell him I would not see him again.

His concept of “what people (ie. women) are really asking for” was very much a sexual solution.  The fact that he was able read and understand their needs and fulfill them, I observed was true to a certain degree.  We all want some one to give us that undivided attention and love – say how much they miss us when we are not with them, notice what we wear inside and out, compliment us, ask us to be theirs and have the “I met my soul mate at last” feeling.  THAT skill of Love Bombing, he has mastered very well.

The only problem with Psycho was, with his fake declarations of love, interwoven in between were his the real declarations of what he did/do to others.  Things that were initially shocking/repulsive, but then as time passed, I don’t know how, these acts were deemed acceptable and was just  accepted as part of his way of “loving” people to me. That side of COGNITIVE DISSONANCE was hard to come to terms with. My version of love versus his.  My normal versus his.  My moral views versus his.  All pretty much on opposite ends of the scale.  But hearing his dark secrets allowed me to see a world through his eyes that I was truly intrigued by, with a question in my mind all the time of .. “Did you make this up or is it really true?”

He will continue to be as he is .. unchangeable and I know he is with my colleague, HJ’s family of 3 teenage girls.  He will need to be careful to report his whereabouts to the authorities in order not to get charged.  I hope the HJ knows his full history but as I said before, I have to leave her to work him out.  I can’t tell her about him as a woman in love with a psychopath is unmovable with the “faith” that he will get better if she supports him.

It has been a while since I thought of these stories .. But I am OK now and I have to move past wondering which of these stories may be OR are true.   I just look back at how easy it was for someone whom I would normally despise, to have been able to change my whole outlook to accept the unacceptable.

Webster’s Dicktionary for the Psychopath

Oh well – why not? I can rattle them off anyway.  Let’s see how many I can get.   Here is a list of words and terms that are generally used to describe things in the Psychopathic World by victims.

A – is for the truly Amazing feelings one felt upon meeting the Psychopath and the constant Attention that was received during the courting period. It is also for the Abuse that was endured unknowingly by the victim. ; and for the unconstrained and unexpected Anger that the Psychopath displayed when he was angry at things or people who questioned him.   It is also the Acceptance needed when the victim realises that the situation is far worse than they could possibly imagine and the person they really love is a Psychopath.

B – is for the Blame that he places on you when HE does something wrong and you land up apologizing to him for his dishonestly! it is also for the lack of Boundaries that you did not put around you.

C –  is for Cognitive Dissonance that is caused by the confusion when the Psychopath plays Jekyll and Hyde in numerous aspects of the relationship;  Psychopathy’s nearest relative is listed under Cluster B Disorder – the Cluster B Disorder as described in the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders];

D – is for the Dickhead he is when he plays the Discard card.  Psychopaths are known for just breaking up ruthlessly and without any care for the way it is done. Victims are left reeling as to what just happened.  D is also for  Dupers Delight he gets when he pulls one over you; And for this Dicktionary of terms of his Deviancy . 

E –  is for the Emotional Vampire that he is.   The Energy draining relationship with him that sucks the life out of you.

F – is for the need to say “You are a Fuckwit – just like your dad was”  to him.  Thanks for taking advantage of my kindness.  It is also for the Forgiveness you have find to give yourself when you are trying to recover.  Knowing that you have Forgone so many other things in your life to give full attention to the Psychopath.

G – is for the Garden Variety Psychopath who live amongst us as Friends, Work Colleagues, Neighbours, Siblings, Partners etc.  They are not murderers nor are they the Top Gun CEO type characters. It is also for the victim’s trusting and Gullible nature ideal for getting conned by the Psychopath.

H – is for Hoover when he keeps hoovering around in and out of your life.  Just when you think he is gone – Poof! he appears again.  And if I had only known that he was telling the truth when he said “If a had a dollar for every person who said I Hate You, I would be a Millionaire”.  At least he would be rich and would not be sucking others dry.

I – is for Idiot; Me, of course, for being so silly to keep on giving when I should have stood back and said “No More – Enough is Enough! “.

J – if for the dichotomy of the Jekyll and Hyde personality he had.  He was loving one moment/day/week and then cold and disinterested and condescending and dismissive and angry the next.

K – for the Killer smile he had.  Yup! these womanizers are charming and just know what to say to make you feel loved and great about your presentation. Full points for that – My Love had been with a lot or women to gain all his experience since the age of 9…

L – is for the Love Bombing that you get the pleasure of experiencing at the Victim Lure stage.  This happens at the start where Psychopath “bombs” you with a flood of attention, message texts declaring love and adoration; 

M – is for the Mind Fuck that the Victim goes through during the relationship which results in Cognitive Dissonance;  The Psychopath also a tactic called Mirroring to mimics your likes/ dislikes /preferences just so that you think he has the same interests as you.  It is a luring tactic and Psychopaths are so apt at it most victims believe that the Psychopath is their Soul Mate!   Don’t forget the classic coping mask that the Psychopath has to put on in order to integrate with society – the Mask of Insanity.

N – is for NO Contact – An action taken when the Victim needs to cut loose all ties and communication with the Psychopath to gain freedom;  It also represents the victim’s  Naievity  [defined as innocence, lack of sophistication, lack of experience, ingenuousness, guilelessness, lack of guile, unworldliness, child-likeness, trustfulness] – what a Numnut for falling in love and tolerating so much! But NEVER AGAIN.

O – is for OMG!! I was such a douche for believing this man – let alone TRUST him with my heart and soul.

P – is for PSYCHO!!! It is also for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that one goes through after a relationship with a Psychopath.   There is also the Pathological Liar that he is .. you need to not believe anything that is verbalized unless you were there to witness it.  It also represents the Promiscuity and Pimping that the Psychopath has in all his relationships.

Q – is for the Questions he evades when he is silent, not contactable, disinterested and still has the gall to ask you to loan him monies via one short message, as he was love bombing another supply.

R – is for the Ruthlessness he displays at times matching the action of a Discard, Silent Treatment or Triangulation.  Yet he was SO gentle just yesterday .. It MUST be your fault he is acting like this.

S – is for the Stockholm Syndrome psychological effect that Victims are inextricably linked to the Abusers.  Refer case study  Stockholm Syndrome.   The Psychopath also needs his pool of Supply in order to survive. These are the women the Psychopath targets in order to get finances, lifestyle needs, sex, etc;  It is also for the Smirk he gives after Dupers Delight has been just played.   Don’t forget the very important … Silent Treatment!  The times when you wonder if you did something so wrong to upset him, or if he moved to another state,  or if he is talking to another woman/messaging on a kids site or if he is simply asleep – for a few days ? ..

T – is for Triangulation when the Psychopath plays one woman off another in order to keep both women on the edge and insecure.  Triangulation can also involve feeling jealous that the Psychopath is spending more time with his pet. There are also the classic Twenty Traits that test for Psychopathy from Robert Hare.

U – is for Unconditional Love you kept giving the Psychopath time after time thinking as others in his life have failed him, you can’t.  So you keep bearing and tolerating in vain hope he will see the love and light and turn his life around for the better.   U is also for the Unicorns that exist, just like the likely hood for the Psychopath making a permanent change for the better.

V – is for Victims. The people who love and care for these Psychopaths and those who have to understand and manage his disorder.

W –  if for the Word Salad that a Psychopath dishes out when you are having a discussion/ argument about a topic in order to throw you off the line of questioning.  Replies to your questions that are irrelevant but sound like they are related.

X – is for the XXX Extra Large pain you get when you are in/out/during/ a relationship with a Psychopath when he hurts you.  Somehow, they do it so well .. unless you get rid of them to another dimension. It is for the X-ray vision you need to have to see through all his tricks.

Y –  is for YOU.  When you realise that the Psychopath saw holes in you that he could fulfill and things you were lacking in your life.

Z – Is for … I give up. It is late. Need sleep ..

 

The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

• Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
• There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  
• Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
• STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.
  

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

• Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
• Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
• Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.
  

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

• Ron Johnson – The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. http://www.jonronson.com/   ;  https://themillions.com/2011/05/mad-mad-world-jon-ronsons-the-psychopath-test.html

• Sandra Brown – Women who love Psychopaths. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
  
• There is a site on WordPress that is written by “HG. .. ” I am not going to promote it but when you will find it and what he writes is close to home.
• James (Jim) Fallon – a self proclaimed neuroscientist – a rather amusing character  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_H._Fallon

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

• The Mask of Insanity –  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_of_Sanity

 

Why NO CONTACT is important

The BRAIN is trying to logically reason with the HEART to explain why it is good to be out of a relationship with the psychopath.  There are so many reasons NOT to be involved and but deep down the conditioning done through the heart by the psychopath is even deeper.  As the Emotional energy field sits closer to the physical body, emotions will always have the final say for most of us.  So how does one break the cycle of entrapment?

The say that it takes on average, EIGHT goes for a woman to leave an abusive man – and I believe to an extent, that number of attempts is true.  Each time she makes a break for it, there will be a reason that he can give for her to return.  She will give in and take him back and the cycle repeats.

My advise – KEEP TRYING – even short breaks of No Contact help.  

[NO CONTACT is the term used for allowing victims to just do that – cut off all ties and and cease having any interest in his life.  The term DISCARD is when the psychopath initiates the action of having No Contact with the victim.]

If you falter and he manages to undo his “Discard” and some how you reacquaint yourself – when you are strong enough again, break and let him go.   All this while, the mask that he has been putting on will slowly crumble and eventually you will ACTUALLY have enough of his lies and inconsistent shit.  I NEVER ever thought that I could live without him.   I also believe that when the time is right, you will make that decision yourself.  It is so easy for someone else to just say “Go cold turkey” … But that did not work.  A breakup in a relationship with a Psychopath is not a normal relationship – the victim is still very much entangled and in hurtful love bond whilst trying to breakup.

After 3 years with My Love, it took me another year to figure out that he was a psychopath and then again, another year to be able to observe my findings and fully grasp that he was not someone I could “save” who truly demonstrated all the traits of a Psychopath.

I kept wanting to get out of the relationship desperately but there was always a lure from him to get back together.  Despite ignoring his messages after a discard and not taking his calls, he would just occasionally send a message, try to call and try harder to re-establish contact if I did not respond.  I would try to block his number for short period of times to train myself to ignore him.

I found that eventually after many attempts and self-talks,  I was finally ready to let go and it happened just after Christmas.   From that point in time, whilst I missed him, I had found that I had enough “reasons/sentences” to repeat in my head so that each time I picked up the phone to call or message, I was able to stop myself.   

During this No Contact period,  it was hard but critical to stay away – and when I faltered, I just had to  remember that IT WAS OKAY.  I would re-establish No Contact and keep with my plan to break all ties.  It started with 2 – 3 days no taking or messaging, then a few periods of 1 – 2 weeks and eventually the psychopath lost interest as his new supplies (3 other women, I think) were already throwing themselves at his feet.   

I was showing disinterest in the long text messages he was sending, I stopped asking to meet him, I stopped offering to help pay for bills and petrol, whenever he told me his weird sexual stories I stopped and questioned his “morals”  and I kept reminding him to re-pay me every time we met.  It did not mean that I stopped caring and loving him – I was just more cautious.   Eventually when I realized that when his existing girlfriend was away in London, he would go live with other women to get his variety and fresh fodder.  I was able to verify that he was not home and from those observations, I knew that he would never change.  He would always cheat.

I have read that sometimes a psychopath just suddenly discards (ie. a one time runner) and leaves you without a word (reasons being – found another woman, current circumstances present a danger to him etc) that it can be hard. These women seem to find it hard to let go as they feel they were rejected and dumped.  .. But is that worse or better that having a cycle of Discards and No Contacts?  I really don’t have an answer – it is what it is and you just have to deal with the situation you have been put in – and somehow find a way out.. But once a true No Contact platform is established, I had a chance of re-establishing a clear mind – with PTSD and all .. and re-framing how I looked at the relationship and how harmful it has been.

In my case, the Psychopath, after his final discard, actually moved on and left me alone . (I hope permanently).   THIS is the best outcome I could wish for as I got a chance to really clear my mind and analyze what happened in my conditioning by the psychopath. 

By the time I got to the FINAL No Contact stage in the relationship, I was :-

1. quite suspicious of his behavior 
2. was 80% sure from my research and support groups discussions that he was actually a Psychopath
3. seen how he operated and was able to relate his tactics and manipulative behaviour to what I had read about psychopathic traits 
4. had made him suspicious enough that I was on to him and would not be a willing “source of supply” for him anymore

He saw me withdraw my affection, my willingness to loan monies and also the mistrust I showed when he told yet another lie.  More importantly – I started to question and stick to my line of questioning – not allowing for his excuses and lies.   I even started to play detective, spy in him to verify his excuses and try to spot the inconsistencies in his stories with leading questions. 

 SO WHO CARES if he did a final discard or if I actually achieved No Contact after eight  attempts .. I am finally better and starting to living my life again.  So it has been one and half years now that I have not heard from or seen him .. Some days i do wonder how he is and if he is alive and who he is with .. and then I just dismiss the thought and say to myself – Who cares anyway?

 

ADDED Jul 2018 – I thought that I would have the psychopath out for my life for ever – but i have just found out that he is now living with my co-worker.  I am at loss at what to do as she has hidden that fact that she is now with him.  She knows that the staff in the business do not like him (he used to work here) and she is recently divorced and he has obviously homed in on her new situation. He has obviously left his recent girlfriend in Kensington and has moved in with my co-worker in Warren.  I am at loss whether to cry or cry! I feel nothing for him (thank goodness) but I worry that with a Sex Offenders Conviction – Class 2, he will prey on the teenage girls she has.  But it is my business anymore???  I am left saddened that my co-worker will have to go though the same hurt and pain that I have – But I am resolute to maintain No Contact.

Psychopath Gallery – Eyes Seize Truth

During my time with the Psychopath, I used Art as a form of distracting myself and give myself some time to go into the zone.  A space in my head when the mindless chatter would sometimes slow down and I would be able to just space out.  Each of the Art pieces you see in the Psychopath Gallery could take from 1 to 4 hours to complete.  Each piece drawn represents A Concept or Emotion that I was confronted with about Psychopathy.   I have drawn about 60 odd pieces to date.

Here are two pieces I drew displaying the Concept of Seeing the Pain and the Truth.

Psychopath Gallery – “DRAGON TEAR”

He was born in the year of the Dragon.  Very much aware that he was different and had thoughts and perspectives so different from the rest of us.  I know he was at times saddened by all that he found hard to grapple with since a young boy.

Psychopath Gallery – “EYES SEIZE TRUTH”  ..  A play on I see-the Truth ..

Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO.

 

 

Reasons to Leave

Psychopath Gallery – “I HATE YOU” – You are slowly killing me.

My BRAIN is trying to logically reason with my HEART to explain why it is good to be out of a relationship with the psychopath.  There are so many reasons NOT to be involved and in my deep self I am finding it hard to let go. 

Everything is hurting at the moment and I am trying so hard to put a brave face on and not show how much I want to curl up and just lie in a corner.  Some days I wished the unsuspecting attempt of mine had worked.  It is like without you, everything does not make sense and without you I can’t feel the spark of being alive.  When you came into my world, I was bored and it was just the daily grind happening.  Family, work, duties, responsibilities and more of the same old same old.  I know I have changed a lot since I met you and it is for the better.  So I am grateful for that wake up call.  Mid life can not possible arrive and one remain stagnant.  At mid life I realise that I need to change in order to live the rest of the other half of what I have left.  For all the weirdness you have in you – you have shown me that.   That I DO NEED CHANGE to make myself happy.

But that change needs to recognize that I cannot have him in my life anymore.  I struggle and really need something to snap me out of it.

So here I summarize my experience of things in the years I have been involved with him. It has been an expensive life experience money and otherwise …

FIRST – Therapy Sessions Attended

The Cognitive Dissonance caused by the relationship required me to seek professional help.  I attended so many forms of “therapy” to assist me through the incomprehensible mind fucked days being with him. Acupuncture / Kinesiology/ numerous non insightful Psychologists/ Spiritual Counseling/ Tarot Readings/  remedial massage sessions and God knows what else!! … So seeking therapy has been exhausting; time consuming and expensive.

SECOND  – Illnesses Sustained

Due to the stress, aside from Mental Stress, I have also been physical ill.  It has been so hard to recognise that they have been caused by trying to be with you.  Anything from a cough lasting 9 months; Shingles; Depression; Suicidal attempt and physical muscular pains .. and more la di dahs that I can care to list.

THIRD – Monies Loaned never Repaid

On top of that I won’t mention the pity money I have “lent” you that meant I have lost some of my own savings.  Which I might add that you keep saying you will re-pay me. WHICH I really doubt is going to happen.  So unless I make money from my blog site here, there is no return on investment.  That money has gone into a black hole of speeding fines, non payment of penalties, sheriff fines, dope purchases, smokes and supposedly sometimes to purchase goods for the kids you were supposedly taking care of.  [I guess my case in no different to Mal whom you said would take you out for hotel stays at $1000 per night, the Life Insurance premium she paid for you when you were together and all the other expenses she covered you for as she was a higher income earner than you.]

I need to let you go – you have a good chance with RT and hopefully it will work out for you.  You have her financing half the car you own and you are exempt from paying any rent  at the moment so that’s worth a bit per week.  I see that you are catching up on paying all the overdue penalties (yet again!) and welfare over claims you accumulated in the last 12 months. 

FORTH – Relationships with Others that have been Damaged

If I don’t write all this down it will continue to stay in me and I won’t be able to see the damage you have caused in my life.  Even in relationships around me, it has been hell.  I can see how I have changed my attitude towards those around me and how much I have moved away from the people who love me in a natural way.  I have not really been there mentally for them at all.  I have been so engrossed and infatuated by you all this time.  YOU have been in my blood, thoughts and mind.  

FIFTH – Questioning Self Worth

I have given every piece of myself to you , which I might add nobody has ever asked for.   You demanded this from the start.  ALL or NOTHING you would say – Body Mind and Soul.  I was so reluctant at the start.  It is not my style to open up and get involved so quickly.  The constant texting.  You would write to me up to 100 messages a day.  I could not keep up with the attention you gave me and the attention you wanted from me.  You say the you are the only one who really knows me and that I only show a side to you that no one else sees.  Yes that is true, I do.  And that side of me is a much deep insight to the real me than anyone has ever known or seen.  I opened up so much of myself and now I feel so vulnerable.  Without you in my life, it feels like I am not alive.

SIXTH – Feelings of Shame

Part of me feels so ashamed.  I am supposedly a woman who runs a business, has a family, has an education and is generally cautious nature.  I make friends easily but am not one to share my private thoughts.  Even on frivolous outings, my girl friends complain I don’t dish out enough dirt about myself.  I love getting to know people and I do tend to avoid hurting someone else.  I don’t know what part of me let my guard down to you.. let alone tolerate the excuses you continue to put before me.   Why did I not do something earlier?

I feel like I have to now pretend with everyone that this part of my life never happened and I will just skip merrily along.  I need to move on. Everyone of my close friends I tell this relationship to wants me out.  I really don’t know what to do but at the moment the ball is in your court but also in mine.  As this is the 5th recorded discard – yes 1 (sometime in 2014),2 (apr15), 3 (dec15),4 (feb16) and 5 (nov16) … I think even another 3 before 2014 … I should have some strength to say ENOUGH.  You have hurt me enough and I should know better than to try to contact you again.   When normal people discard they never contact the person again and the break up is done amicably.  YOU – you just block off like you dropped into a black hole and you disappear without an explanation.  I die at that point but after a while it settles.  Then suddenly I get a message from you which generally contains a sentiment of “Hi I miss you.” and then you want to see me again.  Maybe this time, maybe after time has passed, maybe you will spare me that paid of seeing one of those messages.  

I will never be the same .. BUT at least I have been awakened from my sleepy existence.  I need to hold on to this one opportunity that you have given me to let me escape… So go fuck off – mr.BTM.

The Sexual Psychopath will ALWAYS cheat

Dear Other Woman

You are now either deeply in love with him OR being heavily groomed. I am only writing this because I feel compelled to let you know what you are up against.   Well, to start off, our common lover falls into  the “Sexual Psychopath” category.  SO let me tell you a bit more about the new man in your life … and maybe some qualities about you that you may realize that have led to your entanglement with him.

ABOUT HIM –

1.  He has that look in his eyes, the height, the sensual feel about him.  We have always wanted the experience of being “so wanted drunkenly by a man” and to think he is so into YOU is simply amazing.  His brown eyes … they follow you across the room; they trace your body up and down; they are cheeky and mischievous at the same time; they are big and you drown in them when he stares you down.   It’s like that trashy 50 Shades of Grey but this time, he belongs to you .. or if you like the more subtle version,  the Mr. Darcy that only YOU can uncover and appreciate.  [SUPERFICIAL GLIB AND CHARM] 

2.  He makes you feel good because he notices you and any changes you make to your self.  He compliments you pretty much everyday and wants to know which bra and panty set you have on for the day. He tells you he loves you – in the initial stages at least – I was receiving about 80 to 100 messages from him a day – how many are you getting? When he first met you, did he say “Oh.. so is this what Love really feels like? I have only felt this way with one other woman”.   And he has a cute nickname for you, a special one JUST for you .. such as “Babe” – along with Missus /Love/ anything at all ..  Sadly, you realize when you accidentally glance at his phone that All these special endearing names that have been used before for many others.  [LOVE BOMBING]

3.  Most days he will make a request for you to wear a set that he likes.   I think you are familiar with Pavlov’s Dog? With each complicit act that you agree to, be it take a photo when he requests, wear a piece of clothing when he says you should, help pay a bill because he needs to borrow money,  you name it … YOU are being Trained just like Pavlov’s Dog to react to his command.  Little requests, without your knowing suddenly become big ones.  [HE IS GROOMING YOU]

4.  He likes to touch and constantly says he misses you when you are not next to him. I was flattered – were you?  And hell!!  he works FAST doesn’t he?  Moves quicker than no other man I have dated.  He proposed to his fiancee in December and by February, was asking a commitment from me. How sweet.  You were ripe, though, meeting him on Tinder and wanting a man to have a baby – no strings attached – perfect scenario for him to move into. [MOVES FAST TO LOCK IN THE TRUST, DOPAMINE AND BONDING]

5.  Isn’t it nice that he likes curries, just like you.  But he liked rice and noodles too, just like me.  He is a fussy eater BUT to be honest,  I don’t even know if he really has any preferences at all OR does he morph his culinary tastes to the things you cook?  When I was with him, he would say that what I cooked was yummy but I would find some of it in the bin.  I also found it wonderful how he had some interest in the same topics that I had. And that no one really understood me, except him.  [MIRRORING]

6.  Despite the fact that he said that he could get any woman, and that he had been interested in others, you the one for him .. maybe sometimes you may need to share? a little?  And what about if he finds teenagers and kids attractive, would you be offended? Ha ha ONLY kidding! .. but would you perhaps find it “kinky”? and if you didn’t find it repulsive, would you like to see?

He has been sexually active since age 9. He slept with his sister’s friend.  He has also slept with his sister.  And at the age of 13, he blackmailed his 24 year old neighbor to letting him touch her. He has also slept with the Landlord who was in charge of him while he was on parole.  He has an ex wife of 9 years with 2 kids and a ex-Fiancee with a child; and ….. God knows if ANY of this is true but I believed it in the beginning and have ssen their photos. [PATHOLOGICAL LIAR]

---

 

ABOUT YOU

1.  I know that you love him. Truly Madly Deeply.  Because I saw the message you wrote him stuck on the fridge door – “B, B… I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait to come home to you”.  Hah … I would have written those words myself and to be honest I have – many times, in different forms.  But I will not be selfish and I will also acknowledge that many others have felt and written deep love for him too.   Believe me, you are not the only one.   [GIVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART]

2.  You are trusting, sensitive and caring.  You are self sufficient, migrating from overseas and coming to live here all by  yourself and start a successful career in a prestigious field.  You read a lot (well informed, I’d like to think)  – just like I do but we like different genres. You work hard long hours at times and go on holidays, don’t you, not really knowing what he does in the residence you have entrusted him to.  Yeah – it’s so horrible, that intuitive gift we are given that we choose to ignore and override with “his logical words” – “I was asleep all the time I was home”…. “I was playing games all that while”. [HIGH FUNCTIONING, TRUSTING AND EMPATHIC]

3.  It is so weird that you met him on Tinder.  I understand you wanted to start a family with him via Tinder when you first met ..   What an ideal spot for him to target you.  You were looking for someone like a sperm donor (no strings attached) and he was looking for a place to stay as the rent of his current place was getting a bit expensive.  [LONELY AND VULNERABLE] 

4.  You are confused.  He loves you, but he also does not hide the fact that he loves others as well.   It’s that hard life that he has been through and all those prior to you who did not give him a chance.   It must be SO TIRING playing detective.  I can imagine you would be going mad trying to work out whether the hunches or life stories he tells you were imagined or true? But you will stick by him no matter what, because that is what he needs now. HE NEEDS someone strong LIKE YOU to pull him through.  [PERSISTENT IN BELIEF OF HIS ULTIMATE SALVAGE]

5.  I can’t help but say I am sorry but I am being selfish.  I want him too.  For a long while I thought I could compromise, accept him as he was and learn to share the love. But after much pain and deliberation,  I know living with him close proximity long terms will kill me and compromise my principles to a level that I would not recognize as myself.  I know that he has been with me for quite a few years now – but even that, I do not know him well at all.   By that I mean, I don’t know what he does with his time when I am not with him.  I can speculate .. You don’t know about his past do you – all the weird things he likes doing and thinking about.  Most of the time he can keep it hidden but when he decides to trust you, he may tell you one day.  He is very sexual and loves his women.  I think THAT is something you must surely know.  And women of all ages I will add.  So don’t get too jealous, otherwise it will eat into you.  You have to learn to acknowledge that he will always need variety and he will always be looking.  Even when you send him down the supermarket aisle, he will be looking!  Don’t worry, if you continue to provide for him, he won’t stray far.. I know you have already loaned him for half his car.  As for me, don’t even ask – I have given up hoping I will get any of what I helped him with back!  [WILLINGNESS TO GO AGAINST CORE BELIEFS TO MAKE SAVE ANOTHER] 

AND SO – by you giving him and ultimatum and asking him to leave me today you, you think will have full control of him do you?  Well, if that works, well done.  But all you have done is helped me out so that I can move peacefully out of harms way. I have had my share of discards.

Try to stay sane and I hope when you find out, you will recover quicker than me. 

Yours faithfully. KM

Notes added later ————>>

By the way, imagine how surprised I was when I realised the song I “dedicated” to him when we first met was featured in this infamous site! Talk about coincidences ! my song to you

It has now been almost two years since I have had No Contact.  The time has been hard as I have been trying to repair other parts of my life that damaged as a result.  I found out a few months ago that he was dating my work colleague (recently divorced) and had moved in with her in her new house.  I realised that I was emotionally over him and really relieved that I had no feelings of jealously.  My only concern was for my colleague and the fact that she has 3 teenagers who are now  vulnerable in his presence in the house.  He needs to report to the Police that he is in the presence of children but I am not sure if he has done so.

 

 

About Suicide – The Thick of Cognitive Dissonance

For me … the years of Cognitive Dissonance with the psychopath, led me to want to die.  

Constant thoughts everyday – that were conflicting –  that did not make sense – and that were not coherent in my heart and mind. They were exhausting to manage.  I was talking to myself every minute of the waking day.  

Looking back,  I can say that I got myself into a state of Madness.  He had trained me to give him my utmost trust and love and yet I had so many doubts about him. With both logic and emotions battling it out inside me – it was NOT A GOOD PLACE to be. He had done enough to make me doubt him; YET I loved him deep to the core against everything that was logical.

I had a big battle – either to stay (with my family) or leave (to start over with My Love).   I truly hated being torn every single day – knowing that I wanted to be with him but my gut feel was “it was not quite right”.  I knew if I gave up everything to be with him it would probably not work out.  AND yet everything I had in my life paled in comparison to my exhilarating moments with him and his different attitude to life.  But there was no way I could hurt my family for him.. or could I?? Circular thoughts with beaded obstacles.  Like a bracelet with no clasp to unlatch … 

It did not help that I had a strong preference for BOTH logic and emotion to agree before i made any decision so that made it impossible to come to a decision (ref: Simian Line on palm). A logical person would have said “No”,  and an emotional person would have said “Yes”.

Every time I think about it the incident .. the thought that MAYBE I could have died; or that maybe I wish that it had worked; or that I didn’t even know that was what I was doing until after the event – I still cannot believe it actually transpired.

Even after the years have passed, my emotions associated with the event don’t seem to have lessened in their intensity.   I can reach down inside and grab the rawness of those moments and relive those feelings of helplessness; self-hatred; feeling trapped and feeling my thoughts just spiraling out of control.  With each extra tablet I was putting in my mouth I knew I was getting closer to a place I wanted to be at .. darkness and peace.  Or so I thought..

Unfortunately being prone to depression runs in my maternal family line.  My maternal Grandmother, committed suicide in her late 60’s. I was told that they found her on a rope; upstairs;  at the family home.  I would have liked to have known more about her circumstances but as you know, everything is hush-hush when it comes to topics like these.  All I knew was that she was an extremely paranoid person and often carried a knife in her handbag to protect herself.  As for my own mother, she suffered 3 depressive episodes in her mid-life 30’s 40’s 50′ – of which I helped nurse her through 2 of them.

And I guess I am therefore genetically, a good candidate for depression and more.  This post is more to relay what happened to me that night than to discuss the onset of my depression.

I knew that I was getting more and more depressed with all that was going on – My love at that stage, was 2 years with me .. his relationship with his then fiancée was on off on off and I was head over heels in love and also not available.  One day when I discovered that she had kicked him out I REALLY wanted to suggest let’s just do it and move in together.  BUT I was afraid of hurting those around me. At that stage I obviously had no clue I was dealing with a psychopath.  

So my circular thoughts ran in this order >- Convinced he loved me -> Felt bad he was breaking up with his fiancee -> knowing that at the same time he was “hitting” on other women (all “on-line” of course, so it wasn’t “real”) -> I was always feeling jealous but being told not to be because they are “just thoughts” ->  And me not wanting to rock the boat with my family and everything structured around me -> Knowing that I could not possibly therefore be with him -> feeling bad that maybe I was the cause of the breakup.

… you get the drift – my mind was every where but at peace and crying most days.  And that is true Madness.

That evening he returned to her and I told myself that this was a good opportunity to break up.  I remember standing outside and looking at a double rainbow.  It was beautiful, light rain on my face.  It was evening and I was messaging him when he said he was back with her and could not talk to me anymore for the evening.  So we said bye for the day.  I was convinced the double rainbow was a sign that all was as planned.  Let go I kept telling myself. Let go .. you have to be free. So I went home and wept.  At that stage I had pretty much been crying most days over  2 year period (silently, in the quiet of the night or in the bathroom where the others wouldn’t see me a ask why).  I always felt a sense of anguish – about our relationship .. a deep longing and like a sense that we had something to settle – something like a debt in this lifetime. 

I went to sleep as I was exhausted.  But after a couple of hours I was still tossing.  I was restless ..  At that stage,  I was spending a whole heap of my day in my mind “talking” to him when I wasn’t with him.  [This I would like to discuss more in another post].  Suddenly I got frustrated and sick of myself.  A deep strong voice just said to me – YOU ARE A COWARD and COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE –   I, of course, was thinking back to the opportunity I had that he was available (ie. he got kicked out of the house yesterday/today) and  that I was a true coward and not just making a decision.  That inner voice got madder and angrier as the night progressed and by 2 am I had had enough myself.  So I took a variety of tablets (mainly Panadol) to try to drown that horrible nagging voice out and to actually try to get some sleep.  In the midst of it all, somehow, I lost the reason WHY I had started taking the tablets and I became obsessed with saying to myself  > YOU ARE A COWARD.  COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE.<  It repeated in me, OVER and OVER, each time it was more and more convincing.  I still couldn’t sleep and at two hourly intervals just kept taking a mixture of tablets.  Finally at 6am I was exhausted and did get some sleep.

The morning came and I was feeling drowsy and heavy headed.  I had to drive daughter to the hairdressers for an appointment.  As I couldn’t do it as asked for assistance and I just mumbled some instructions to the cutter and was driven back to rest – under the pretense of me just feeling a headache coming on.  By 2 pm that day I was really feeling the effects of the tablets and  was losing consciousness for what seemed like micro-seconds.  When I nearly hit my head on the bathroom sink as I lost consciousness, I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I was going to slip into a place unknown to me ever … I went back to lay down and within the next hour, it got worse.  I decided then I would have to have to tell my husband what had happened ie. what I had taken overnight BUT not let him decide what to do.  He knew I was going through “depression” but not much else.   Finally he convinced me that I needed to be admitted into Emergency and we drove to the nearest hospital.   I was still coherent but very fuzzy in my brain.  The doctor who examined me questioned me about the reasons why I took a variety of pills over the course of the night and whilst I kept saying it was due to the fact that I was just trying to get some sleep, he seemed unconvinced.   He called me as a high functioning person – therefore implying I had an ulterior motive for the incident. And if I tried to discharge myself out of hospital, he would have to restrain me and send me off to the more serious hospital in the city to be attended to.  Never in my life had I ever been told this sort of ultimatum.  I JUST wanted to go home and sleep it off!! I was fine!  

But no … I had to stay under orders.   The first night was the hardest.  In my mind, I kept slipping away, like really going down deep into a heavy dream state.  I kept groping my way through the darkness within my dreams to return to consciousness.  At one stage I even seemed to float past the rows of the Akashic Records.  I had been wanting to be allowed in for so long.  But I really did not want to go permanently from the world I knew.  My family, my kids.  SO I kept fighting to return to the consciousness of my hospital room that night.

I stayed overnight and another 5 more days with a 24 hour watch over me for the first 3 days.  Imagine my embarrassment on the first night, whilst still very groggy, having a stranger (ie. overnight male nurse)  in my hospital room, who had to stay awake to watch over me.  Followed by another 3 others over the next few days .. one even probing me why I did it!  Just wanted to tell her – it is none of your business! But I just kept quiet from the shame of it all. It was weird to see the drip in my arm and feel the cool rush of the solution push through my body.  I had enough of it to flush out or at least counteract the toxicity of the levels I had in my blood stream.  Plus the daily visits from the doctors and mental health professionals who were all asking the same question – Why do you do it?   [By the way, when a doctor comes into your room with a club of trainees asking your well being and all the questions, you do have the right JUST to see the doctor.  You are not obliged to spill the beans to every stranger in the ward.]    Every medical document or  referral that is churned out for me now bear the printed words “Overdose – [31813].” 

I got home eventually and have photos I took of the sunrises from my room window on the days I was in hospital which I look at sometimes.  Every year since then, this event continues to hit me on its anniversary. 

At least for now, as I have written everything down that I want to say about it, maybe a part of it will shift for me.   I will not be able to say for sure whether I did intend to suicide or not, but it was on the conscious mind as far as I can tell.  When hell is going though your mind, that Voice seems to take over. 

It is important to be careful when being with a Psychopath. He challenges you by introducing his hate for the world and slowly introduces thoughts that are not akin to what you believe in.  “He” becomes part of the Voice of hate that constantly fights you on the inside.  The same Voice that hates you for overriding your core moral and basic good self.    Keeping a tidy and safe mind is so hard to do when you are with a Psychopath.  There is no way anyone can possibly justify being a life long partner to a Psychopath, so please don’t listen to that Voice when it tells you to give up everything for him – including your own life.

… well I am glad that I am still here.  Happy Anniversary for this year.

Rising from the Depths of Despair

I am in a good place at the moment – and when I look back at how black my world was when I was in your clutches, I can see why I was so confused and so lost.  For you and others  .. who DELIBERATLY  and KNOWING go out to seek supply and harness the emotional energy that you so need to sustain your existence, are truly empty.  The diet of “Control and Power” that consumes you and keeps you lying to one person and to another so that you can keep your days filled – aside from playing Xbox.  How empty how sad how unknowing of life.

I am in a good place at the moment – and I don’t know how long it will last.  But while I am safe, safe from your hoovers and your contact, I am at least safe for now.  Each time I am in a good frame of mind, I build up a little bit more resistance.  Like a squirrel, I hide another weapon, reinforce another piece of information about you and continue to gently remind myself that I am OK and I don’t need you in my life to make me feel loved and be loved. 

I am in a good place at the moment – BUT I recite the last horrid message you sent me and remember the tears and pain that Monday in February.  The Monday I had to survive with strangers as I had a public show and I would not hide from everyone.  I know it is not good to keep hurting myself with those words but if I don’t repeat your unkindness, I may forget that deep down – that is what you TRULY are.   

I am in a good place at the moment – and I thank God and the Universe for taking care of me. I know we will never be given a challenge harder than what we can bear. My spirit will not be defeated and my flame die.  No one should be allowed to put my flame out – except me.

I am in  a good place at the moment – I want to be free.

The ‘Please Don’t’ Rules

PLEASE DON’T treat me like I am an imbecile and tell me one thing and then not do it. And then feign surprise that I am hurt and angry.  Actions speak louder than words.

PLEASE DON’T make anymore promises you can’t keep or never intended to in the first place. If you don’t want to get me the ring we talked about then why don’t you just say so instead of promising me we will?

PLEASE DON’T tell me anymore ridiculous lies about the things you have done or not done because I really don’t know which bits I trust myself to believe anymore. 

PLEASE DON’T even tell me that you regret the way you treated me before and that you have changed now and realise how much you miss and love me.  You want me back in your life again even after I let you win the last time.. and the time before .. and before.

PLEASE DON’T pretend that we both understand the nature of this relationship because I still don’t get you and why you think the way you do. To be honest, I know you don’t get who you are either!

PLEASE DON’T tell me that things can’t be controlled and that I need to stop controlling situations – when YOU are the one doing all the manipulating and pulling and pushing all along.

PLEASE DON’T say that you can’t drive over and see me because you don’t have enough money to get petrol. And then when I offer to lend you some, the excuse changes to that you are actually too tired as it is a long drive and you have to work night shifts.

PLEASE DON’T keep making me the Other Woman.  You are with her and you still with me.  Who else have you got in your hold? 

PLEASE DON’T write all those loving intimate messages if there is no soul to the words. I love you and they mean so much if you mean them.  But I am torn as everything and literature I read about ‘you’ – tells me otherwise.

PLEASE DON’T ever doubt that I AM capable of thinking for myself and remembering things that have happened in the past … even if you have somehow forgotten them and have made them a different storyline.

I never do fully stand up to you do I ?? … but I am getting close and stronger. So PLEASE DO keep showing me who you really are so I can walk free one day when I have the strength.  They say it take 8 goes on average for someone to fully walk away.  I am counting ..