Tag: hate

The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

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Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

  • Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
  • There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  • Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
  • STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

  • Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
  • Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
  • Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

 

Why NO CONTACT is important

The BRAIN is trying to logically reason with the HEART to explain why it is good to be out of a relationship with the psychopath.  There are so many reasons NOT to be involved and but deep down the conditioning done through the heart by the psychopath is even deeper.  As the Emotional energy field sits closer to the physical body, emotions will always have the final say for most of us.  So how does one break the cycle of entrapment?

The say that it takes on average, EIGHT goes for a woman to leave an abusive man – and I believe to an extent, that number of attempts is true.  Each time she makes a break for it, there will be a reason that he can give for her to return.  She will give in and take him back and the cycle repeats.

My advise – KEEP TRYING – even short breaks of No Contact help.  

[NO CONTACT is the term used for allowing victims to just do that – cut off all ties and and cease having any interest in his life.  The term DISCARD is when the psychopath initiates the action of having No Contact with the victim.]

If you falter and he manages to undo his “Discard” and some how you reacquaint yourself – when you are strong enough again, break and let him go.   All this while, the mask that he has been putting on will slowly crumble and eventually you will ACTUALLY have enough of his lies and inconsistent shit.  I NEVER ever thought that I could live without him.   I also believe that when the time is right, you will make that decision yourself.  It is so easy for someone else to just say “Go cold turkey” … But that did not work.  A breakup in a relationship with a Psychopath is not a normal relationship – the victim is still very much entangled and in hurtful love bond whilst trying to breakup.

After 3 years with My Love, it took me another year to figure out that he was a psychopath and then again, another year to be able to observe my findings and fully grasp that he was not someone I could “save” who truly demonstrated all the traits of a Psychopath.

I kept wanting to get out of the relationship desperately but there was always a lure from him to get back together.  Despite ignoring his messages after a discard and not taking his calls, he would just occasionally send a message, try to call and try harder to re-establish contact if I did not respond.  I would try to block his number for short period of times to train myself to ignore him.

I found that eventually after many attempts and self-talks,  I was finally ready to let go and it happened just after Christmas.   From that point in time, whilst I missed him, I had found that I had enough “reasons/sentences” to repeat in my head so that each time I picked up the phone to call or message, I was able to stop myself.   

During this No Contact period,  it was hard but critical to stay away – and when I faltered, I just had to  remember that IT WAS OKAY.  I would re-establish No Contact and keep with my plan to break all ties.  It started with 2 – 3 days no taking or messaging, then a few periods of 1 – 2 weeks and eventually the psychopath lost interest as his new supplies (3 other women, I think) were already throwing themselves at his feet.   

I was showing disinterest in the long text messages he was sending, I stopped asking to meet him, I stopped offering to help pay for bills and petrol, whenever he told me his weird sexual stories I stopped and questioned his “morals”  and I kept reminding him to re-pay me every time we met.  It did not mean that I stopped caring and loving him – I was just more cautious.   Eventually when I realized that when his existing girlfriend was away in London, he would go live with other women to get his variety and fresh fodder.  I was able to verify that he was not home and from those observations, I knew that he would never change.  He would always cheat.

I have read that sometimes a psychopath just suddenly discards (ie. a one time runner) and leaves you without a word (reasons being – found another woman, current circumstances present a danger to him etc) that it can be hard. These women seem to find it hard to let go as they feel they were rejected and dumped.  .. But is that worse or better that having a cycle of Discards and No Contacts?  I really don’t have an answer – it is what it is and you just have to deal with the situation you have been put in – and somehow find a way out.. But once a true No Contact platform is established, I had a chance of re-establishing a clear mind – with PTSD and all .. and re-framing how I looked at the relationship and how harmful it has been.

In my case, the Psychopath, after his final discard, actually moved on and left me alone . (I hope permanently).   THIS is the best outcome I could wish for as I got a chance to really clear my mind and analyze what happened in my conditioning by the psychopath. 

By the time I got to the FINAL No Contact stage in the relationship, I was :-

  1. quite suspicious of his behavior 
  2. was 80% sure from my research and support groups discussions that he was actually a Psychopath
  3. seen how he operated and was able to relate his tactics and manipulative behaviour to what I had read about psychopathic traits 
  4. had made him suspicious enough that I was on to him and would not be a willing “source of supply” for him anymore

He saw me withdraw my affection, my willingness to loan monies and also the mistrust I showed when he told yet another lie.  More importantly – I started to question and stick to my line of questioning – not allowing for his excuses and lies.   I even started to play detective, spy in him to verify his excuses and try to spot the inconsistencies in his stories with leading questions. 

 SO WHO CARES if he did a final discard or if I actually achieved No Contact after eight  attempts .. I am finally better and starting to living my life again.  So it has been one and half years now that I have not heard from or seen him .. Some days i do wonder how he is and if he is alive and who he is with .. and then I just dismiss the thought and say to myself – Who cares anyway?

 

ADDED Jul 2018 – I thought that I would have the psychopath out for my life for ever – but i have just found out that he is now living with my co-worker.  I am at loss at what to do as she has hidden that fact that she is now with him.  She knows that the staff in the business do not like him (he used to work here) and she is recently divorced and he has obviously homed in on her new situation. He has obviously left his recent girlfriend in Kensington and has moved in with my co-worker in Warren.  I am at loss whether to cry or cry! I feel nothing for him (thank goodness) but I worry that with a Sex Offenders Conviction – Class 2, he will prey on the teenage girls she has.  But it is my business anymore???  I am left saddened that my co-worker will have to go though the same hurt and pain that I have – But I am resolute to maintain No Contact.

Psychopath Gallery – Eyes Seize Truth

During my time with the Psychopath, I used Art as a form of distracting myself and give myself some time to go into the zone.  A space in my head when the mindless chatter would sometimes slow down and I would be able to just space out.  Each of the Art pieces you see in the Psychopath Gallery could take from 1 to 4 hours to complete.  Each piece drawn represents A Concept or Emotion that I was confronted with about Psychopathy.   I have drawn about 60 odd pieces to date.

Here are two pieces I drew displaying the Concept of Seeing the Pain and the Truth.

Psychopath Gallery – “DRAGON TEAR”

He was born in the year of the Dragon.  Very much aware that he was different and had thoughts and perspectives so different from the rest of us.  I know he was at times saddened by all that he found hard to grapple with since a young boy.

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Psychopath Gallery – “EYES SEIZE TRUTH”  ..  A play on I see-the Truth ..

Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO.

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Reasons to Leave

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Psychopath Gallery – “I HATE YOU” – You are slowly killing me.

My BRAIN is trying to logically reason with my HEART to explain why it is good to be out of a relationship with the psychopath.  There are so many reasons NOT to be involved and in my deep self I am finding it hard to let go. 

Everything is hurting at the moment and I am trying so hard to put a brave face on and not show how much I want to curl up and just lie in a corner.  Some days I wished the unsuspecting attempt of mine had worked.  It is like without you, everything does not make sense and without you I can’t feel the spark of being alive.  When you came into my world, I was bored and it was just the daily grind happening.  Family, work, duties, responsibilities and more of the same old same old.  I know I have changed a lot since I met you and it is for the better.  So I am grateful for that wake up call.  Mid life can not possible arrive and one remain stagnant.  At mid life I realise that I need to change in order to live the rest of the other half of what I have left.  For all the weirdness you have in you – you have shown me that.   That I DO NEED CHANGE to make myself happy.

But that change needs to recognize that I cannot have him in my life anymore.  I struggle and really need something to snap me out of it.

So here I summarize my experience of things in the years I have been involved with him. It has been an expensive life experience money and otherwise …

FIRST – Therapy Sessions Attended

The Cognitive Dissonance caused by the relationship required me to seek professional help.  I attended so many forms of “therapy” to assist me through the incomprehensible mind fucked days being with him. Acupuncture / Kinesiology/ numerous non insightful Psychologists/ Spiritual Counseling/ Tarot Readings/  remedial massage sessions and God knows what else!! … So seeking therapy has been exhausting; time consuming and expensive.

SECOND  – Illnesses Sustained

Due to the stress, aside from Mental Stress, I have also been physical ill.  It has been so hard to recognise that they have been caused by trying to be with you.  Anything from a cough lasting 9 months; Shingles; Depression; Suicidal attempt and physical muscular pains .. and more la di dahs that I can care to list.

THIRD – Monies Loaned never Repaid

On top of that I won’t mention the pity money I have “lent” you that meant I have lost some of my own savings.  Which I might add that you keep saying you will re-pay me. WHICH I really doubt is going to happen.  So unless I make money from my blog site here, there is no return on investment.  That money has gone into a black hole of speeding fines, non payment of penalties, sheriff fines, dope purchases, smokes and supposedly sometimes to purchase goods for the kids you were supposedly taking care of.  [I guess my case in no different to Mal whom you said would take you out for hotel stays at $1000 per night, the Life Insurance premium she paid for you when you were together and all the other expenses she covered you for as she was a higher income earner than you.]

I need to let you go – you have a good chance with RT and hopefully it will work out for you.  You have her financing half the car you own and you are exempt from paying any rent  at the moment so that’s worth a bit per week.  I see that you are catching up on paying all the overdue penalties (yet again!) and welfare over claims you accumulated in the last 12 months. 

FORTH – Relationships with Others that have been Damaged

If I don’t write all this down it will continue to stay in me and I won’t be able to see the damage you have caused in my life.  Even in relationships around me, it has been hell.  I can see how I have changed my attitude towards those around me and how much I have moved away from the people who love me in a natural way.  I have not really been there mentally for them at all.  I have been so engrossed and infatuated by you all this time.  YOU have been in my blood, thoughts and mind.  

FIFTH – Questioning Self Worth

I have given every piece of myself to you , which I might add nobody has ever asked for.   You demanded this from the start.  ALL or NOTHING you would say – Body Mind and Soul.  I was so reluctant at the start.  It is not my style to open up and get involved so quickly.  The constant texting.  You would write to me up to 100 messages a day.  I could not keep up with the attention you gave me and the attention you wanted from me.  You say the you are the only one who really knows me and that I only show a side to you that no one else sees.  Yes that is true, I do.  And that side of me is a much deep insight to the real me than anyone has ever known or seen.  I opened up so much of myself and now I feel so vulnerable.  Without you in my life, it feels like I am not alive.

SIXTH – Feelings of Shame

Part of me feels so ashamed.  I am supposedly a woman who runs a business, has a family, has an education and is generally cautious nature.  I make friends easily but am not one to share my private thoughts.  Even on frivolous outings, my girl friends complain I don’t dish out enough dirt about myself.  I love getting to know people and I do tend to avoid hurting someone else.  I don’t know what part of me let my guard down to you.. let alone tolerate the excuses you continue to put before me.   Why did I not do something earlier?

I feel like I have to now pretend with everyone that this part of my life never happened and I will just skip merrily along.  I need to move on. Everyone of my close friends I tell this relationship to wants me out.  I really don’t know what to do but at the moment the ball is in your court but also in mine.  As this is the 5th recorded discard – yes 1 (sometime in 2014),2 (apr15), 3 (dec15),4 (feb16) and 5 (nov16) … I think even another 3 before 2014 … I should have some strength to say ENOUGH.  You have hurt me enough and I should know better than to try to contact you again.   When normal people discard they never contact the person again and the break up is done amicably.  YOU – you just block off like you dropped into a black hole and you disappear without an explanation.  I die at that point but after a while it settles.  Then suddenly I get a message from you which generally contains a sentiment of “Hi I miss you.” and then you want to see me again.  Maybe this time, maybe after time has passed, maybe you will spare me that paid of seeing one of those messages.  

I will never be the same .. BUT at least I have been awakened from my sleepy existence.  I need to hold on to this one opportunity that you have given me to let me escape… So go fuck off – mr.BTM.

The Sexual Psychopath will ALWAYS cheat

Dear Other Woman

You are now either deeply in love with him OR being heavily groomed. I am only writing this because I feel compelled to let you know what you are up against.   Well, to start off, our common lover falls into  the “Sexual Psychopath” category.  SO let me tell you a bit more about the new man in your life … and maybe some qualities about you that you may realize that have led to your entanglement with him.

ABOUT HIM –

1.  He has that look in his eyes, the height, the sensual feel about him.  We have always wanted the experience of being “so wanted drunkenly by a man” and to think he is so into YOU is simply amazing.  His brown eyes … they follow you across the room; they trace your body up and down; they are cheeky and mischievous at the same time; they are big and you drown in them when he stares you down.   It’s like that trashy 50 Shades of Grey but this time, he belongs to you .. or if you like the more subtle version,  the Mr. Darcy that only YOU can uncover and appreciate.  [SUPERFICIAL GLIB AND CHARM] 

2.  He makes you feel good because he notices you and any changes you make to your self.  He compliments you pretty much everyday and wants to know which bra and panty set you have on for the day. He tells you he loves you – in the initial stages at least – I was receiving about 80 to 100 messages from him a day – how many are you getting? When he first met you, did he say “Oh.. so is this what Love really feels like? I have only felt this way with one other woman”.   And he has a cute nickname for you, a special one JUST for you .. such as “Babe” – along with Missus /Love/ anything at all ..  Sadly, you realize when you accidentally glance at his phone that All these special endearing names that have been used before for many others.  [LOVE BOMBING]

3.  Most days he will make a request for you to wear a set that he likes.   I think you are familiar with Pavlov’s Dog? With each complicit act that you agree to, be it take a photo when he requests, wear a piece of clothing when he says you should, help pay a bill because he needs to borrow money,  you name it … YOU are being Trained just like Pavlov’s Dog to react to his command.  Little requests, without your knowing suddenly become big ones.  [HE IS GROOMING YOU]

4.  He likes to touch and constantly says he misses you when you are not next to him. I was flattered – were you?  And hell!!  he works FAST doesn’t he?  Moves quicker than no other man I have dated.  He proposed to his fiancee in December and by February, was asking a commitment from me. How sweet.  You were ripe, though, meeting him on Tinder and wanting a man to have a baby – no strings attached – perfect scenario for him to move into. [MOVES FAST TO LOCK IN THE TRUST, DOPAMINE AND BONDING]

5.  Isn’t it nice that he likes curries, just like you.  But he liked rice and noodles too, just like me.  He is a fussy eater BUT to be honest,  I don’t even know if he really has any preferences at all OR does he morph his culinary tastes to the things you cook?  When I was with him, he would say that what I cooked was yummy but I would find some of it in the bin.  I also found it wonderful how he had some interest in the same topics that I had. And that no one really understood me, except him.  [MIRRORING]

6.  Despite the fact that he said that he could get any woman, and that he had been interested in others, you the one for him .. maybe sometimes you may need to share? a little?  And what about if he finds teenagers and kids attractive, would you be offended? Ha ha ONLY kidding! .. but would you perhaps find it “kinky”? and if you didn’t find it repulsive, would you like to see?

He has been sexually active since age 9. He slept with his sister’s friend.  He has also slept with his sister.  And at the age of 13, he blackmailed his 24 year old neighbor to letting him touch her. He has also slept with the Landlord who was in charge of him while he was on parole.  He has an ex wife of 9 years with 2 kids and a ex-Fiancee with a child; and ….. God knows if ANY of this is true but I believed it in the beginning and have ssen their photos. [PATHOLOGICAL LIAR]

 

ABOUT YOU

1.  I know that you love him. Truly Madly Deeply.  Because I saw the message you wrote him stuck on the fridge door – “B, B… I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait to come home to you”.  Hah … I would have written those words myself and to be honest I have – many times, in different forms.  But I will not be selfish and I will also acknowledge that many others have felt and written deep love for him too.   Believe me, you are not the only one.   [GIVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART]

2.  You are trusting, sensitive and caring.  You are self sufficient, migrating from overseas and coming to live here all by  yourself and start a successful career in a prestigious field.  You read a lot (well informed, I’d like to think)  – just like I do but we like different genres. You work hard long hours at times and go on holidays, don’t you, not really knowing what he does in the residence you have entrusted him to.  Yeah – it’s so horrible, that intuitive gift we are given that we choose to ignore and override with “his logical words” – “I was asleep all the time I was home”…. “I was playing games all that while”. [HIGH FUNCTIONING, TRUSTING AND EMPATHIC]

3.  It is so weird that you met him on Tinder.  I understand you wanted to start a family with him via Tinder when you first met ..   What an ideal spot for him to target you.  You were looking for someone like a sperm donor (no strings attached) and he was looking for a place to stay as the rent of his current place was getting a bit expensive.  [LONELY AND VULNERABLE] 

4.  You are confused.  He loves you, but he also does not hide the fact that he loves others as well.   It’s that hard life that he has been through and all those prior to you who did not give him a chance.   It must be SO TIRING playing detective.  I can imagine you would be going mad trying to work out whether the hunches or life stories he tells you were imagined or true? But you will stick by him no matter what, because that is what he needs now. HE NEEDS someone strong LIKE YOU to pull him through.  [PERSISTENT IN BELIEF OF HIS ULTIMATE SALVAGE]

5.  I can’t help but say I am sorry but I am being selfish.  I want him too.  For a long while I thought I could compromise, accept him as he was and learn to share the love. But after much pain and deliberation,  I know living with him close proximity long terms will kill me and compromise my principles to a level that I would not recognize as myself.  I know that he has been with me for quite a few years now – but even that, I do not know him well at all.   By that I mean, I don’t know what he does with his time when I am not with him.  I can speculate .. You don’t know about his past do you – all the weird things he likes doing and thinking about.  Most of the time he can keep it hidden but when he decides to trust you, he may tell you one day.  He is very sexual and loves his women.  I think THAT is something you must surely know.  And women of all ages I will add.  So don’t get too jealous, otherwise it will eat into you.  You have to learn to acknowledge that he will always need variety and he will always be looking.  Even when you send him down the supermarket aisle, he will be looking!  Don’t worry, if you continue to provide for him, he won’t stray far.. I know you have already loaned him for half his car.  As for me, don’t even ask – I have given up hoping I will get any of what I helped him with back!  [WILLINGNESS TO GO AGAINST CORE BELIEFS TO MAKE SAVE ANOTHER] 

AND SO – by you giving him and ultimatum and asking him to leave me today you, you think will have full control of him do you?  Well, if that works, well done.  But all you have done is helped me out so that I can move peacefully out of harms way. I have had my share of discards.

Try to stay sane and I hope when you find out, you will recover quicker than me. 

Yours faithfully. KM

Notes added later ————>>

By the way, imagine how surprised I was when I realised the song I “dedicated” to him when we first met was featured in this infamous site! Talk about coincidences ! my song to you

It has now been almost two years since I have had No Contact.  The time has been hard as I have been trying to repair other parts of my life that damaged as a result.  I found out a few months ago that he was dating my work colleague (recently divorced) and had moved in with her in her new house.  I realised that I was emotionally over him and really relieved that I had no feelings of jealously.  My only concern was for my colleague and the fact that she has 3 teenagers who are now  vulnerable in his presence in the house.  He needs to report to the Police that he is in the presence of children but I am not sure if he has done so.

 

 

About Suicide – The Thick of Cognitive Dissonance

For me … the years of Cognitive Dissonance with the psychopath, led me to want to die.  

Constant thoughts everyday – that were conflicting –  that did not make sense – and that were not coherent in my heart and mind. They were exhausting to manage.  I was talking to myself every minute of the waking day.  

Looking back,  I can say that I got myself into a state of Madness.  He had trained me to give him my utmost trust and love and yet I had so many doubts about him. With both logic and emotions battling it out inside me – it was NOT A GOOD PLACE to be. He had done enough to make me doubt him; YET I loved him deep to the core against everything that was logical.

I had a big battle – either to stay (with my family) or leave (to start over with My Love).   I truly hated being torn every single day – knowing that I wanted to be with him but my gut feel was “it was not quite right”.  I knew if I gave up everything to be with him it would probably not work out.  AND yet everything I had in my life paled in comparison to my exhilarating moments with him and his different attitude to life.  But there was no way I could hurt my family for him.. or could I?? Circular thoughts with beaded obstacles.  Like a bracelet with no clasp to unlatch … 

It did not help that I had a strong preference for BOTH logic and emotion to agree before i made any decision so that made it impossible to come to a decision (ref: Simian Line on palm). A logical person would have said “No”,  and an emotional person would have said “Yes”.

Every time I think about it the incident .. the thought that MAYBE I could have died; or that maybe I wish that it had worked; or that I didn’t even know that was what I was doing until after the event – I still cannot believe it actually transpired.

Even after the years have passed, my emotions associated with the event don’t seem to have lessened in their intensity.   I can reach down inside and grab the rawness of those moments and relive those feelings of helplessness; self-hatred; feeling trapped and feeling my thoughts just spiraling out of control.  With each extra tablet I was putting in my mouth I knew I was getting closer to a place I wanted to be at .. darkness and peace.  Or so I thought..

Unfortunately being prone to depression runs in my maternal family line.  My maternal Grandmother, committed suicide in her late 60’s. I was told that they found her on a rope; upstairs;  at the family home.  I would have liked to have known more about her circumstances but as you know, everything is hush-hush when it comes to topics like these.  All I knew was that she was an extremely paranoid person and often carried a knife in her handbag to protect herself.  As for my own mother, she suffered 3 depressive episodes in her mid-life 30’s 40’s 50′ – of which I helped nurse her through 2 of them.

And I guess I am therefore genetically, a good candidate for depression and more.  This post is more to relay what happened to me that night than to discuss the onset of my depression.

I knew that I was getting more and more depressed with all that was going on – My love at that stage, was 2 years with me .. his relationship with his then fiancée was on off on off and I was head over heels in love and also not available.  One day when I discovered that she had kicked him out I REALLY wanted to suggest let’s just do it and move in together.  BUT I was afraid of hurting those around me. At that stage I obviously had no clue I was dealing with a psychopath.  

So my circular thoughts ran in this order >- Convinced he loved me -> Felt bad he was breaking up with his fiancee -> knowing that at the same time he was “hitting” on other women (all “on-line” of course, so it wasn’t “real”) -> I was always feeling jealous but being told not to be because they are “just thoughts” ->  And me not wanting to rock the boat with my family and everything structured around me -> Knowing that I could not possibly therefore be with him -> feeling bad that maybe I was the cause of the breakup.

… you get the drift – my mind was every where but at peace and crying most days.  And that is true Madness.

That evening he returned to her and I told myself that this was a good opportunity to break up.  I remember standing outside and looking at a double rainbow.  It was beautiful, light rain on my face.  It was evening and I was messaging him when he said he was back with her and could not talk to me anymore for the evening.  So we said bye for the day.  I was convinced the double rainbow was a sign that all was as planned.  Let go I kept telling myself. Let go .. you have to be free. So I went home and wept.  At that stage I had pretty much been crying most days over  2 year period (silently, in the quiet of the night or in the bathroom where the others wouldn’t see me a ask why).  I always felt a sense of anguish – about our relationship .. a deep longing and like a sense that we had something to settle – something like a debt in this lifetime. 

I went to sleep as I was exhausted.  But after a couple of hours I was still tossing.  I was restless ..  At that stage,  I was spending a whole heap of my day in my mind “talking” to him when I wasn’t with him.  [This I would like to discuss more in another post].  Suddenly I got frustrated and sick of myself.  A deep strong voice just said to me – YOU ARE A COWARD and COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE –   I, of course, was thinking back to the opportunity I had that he was available (ie. he got kicked out of the house yesterday/today) and  that I was a true coward and not just making a decision.  That inner voice got madder and angrier as the night progressed and by 2 am I had had enough myself.  So I took a variety of tablets (mainly Panadol) to try to drown that horrible nagging voice out and to actually try to get some sleep.  In the midst of it all, somehow, I lost the reason WHY I had started taking the tablets and I became obsessed with saying to myself  > YOU ARE A COWARD.  COWARDS DESERVE TO DIE.<  It repeated in me, OVER and OVER, each time it was more and more convincing.  I still couldn’t sleep and at two hourly intervals just kept taking a mixture of tablets.  Finally at 6am I was exhausted and did get some sleep.

The morning came and I was feeling drowsy and heavy headed.  I had to drive daughter to the hairdressers for an appointment.  As I couldn’t do it as asked for assistance and I just mumbled some instructions to the cutter and was driven back to rest – under the pretense of me just feeling a headache coming on.  By 2 pm that day I was really feeling the effects of the tablets and  was losing consciousness for what seemed like micro-seconds.  When I nearly hit my head on the bathroom sink as I lost consciousness, I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I was going to slip into a place unknown to me ever … I went back to lay down and within the next hour, it got worse.  I decided then I would have to have to tell my husband what had happened ie. what I had taken overnight BUT not let him decide what to do.  He knew I was going through “depression” but not much else.   Finally he convinced me that I needed to be admitted into Emergency and we drove to the nearest hospital.   I was still coherent but very fuzzy in my brain.  The doctor who examined me questioned me about the reasons why I took a variety of pills over the course of the night and whilst I kept saying it was due to the fact that I was just trying to get some sleep, he seemed unconvinced.   He called me as a high functioning person – therefore implying I had an ulterior motive for the incident. And if I tried to discharge myself out of hospital, he would have to restrain me and send me off to the more serious hospital in the city to be attended to.  Never in my life had I ever been told this sort of ultimatum.  I JUST wanted to go home and sleep it off!! I was fine!  

But no … I had to stay under orders.   The first night was the hardest.  In my mind, I kept slipping away, like really going down deep into a heavy dream state.  I kept groping my way through the darkness within my dreams to return to consciousness.  At one stage I even seemed to float past the rows of the Akashic Records.  I had been wanting to be allowed in for so long.  But I really did not want to go permanently from the world I knew.  My family, my kids.  SO I kept fighting to return to the consciousness of my hospital room that night.

I stayed overnight and another 5 more days with a 24 hour watch over me for the first 3 days.  Imagine my embarrassment on the first night, whilst still very groggy, having a stranger (ie. overnight male nurse)  in my hospital room, who had to stay awake to watch over me.  Followed by another 3 others over the next few days .. one even probing me why I did it!  Just wanted to tell her – it is none of your business! But I just kept quiet from the shame of it all. It was weird to see the drip in my arm and feel the cool rush of the solution push through my body.  I had enough of it to flush out or at least counteract the toxicity of the levels I had in my blood stream.  Plus the daily visits from the doctors and mental health professionals who were all asking the same question – Why do you do it?   [By the way, when a doctor comes into your room with a club of trainees asking your well being and all the questions, you do have the right JUST to see the doctor.  You are not obliged to spill the beans to every stranger in the ward.]    Every medical document or  referral that is churned out for me now bear the printed words “Overdose – [31813].” 

I got home eventually and have photos I took of the sunrises from my room window on the days I was in hospital which I look at sometimes.  Every year since then, this event continues to hit me on its anniversary. 

At least for now, as I have written everything down that I want to say about it, maybe a part of it will shift for me.   I will not be able to say for sure whether I did intend to suicide or not, but it was on the conscious mind as far as I can tell.  When hell is going though your mind, that Voice seems to take over. 

It is important to be careful when being with a Psychopath. He challenges you by introducing his hate for the world and slowly introduces thoughts that are not akin to what you believe in.  “He” becomes part of the Voice of hate that constantly fights you on the inside.  The same Voice that hates you for overriding your core moral and basic good self.    Keeping a tidy and safe mind is so hard to do when you are with a Psychopath.  There is no way anyone can possibly justify being a life long partner to a Psychopath, so please don’t listen to that Voice when it tells you to give up everything for him – including your own life.

… well I am glad that I am still here.  Happy Anniversary for this year.

Recovery from the Psychopath – Yes YOU CAN

20160610_222230
“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections

Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”.  Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.

To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard.  Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it!  The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive.   Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)… 

Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain.  And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.  

So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN  YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF. 

Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained.  All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated.  And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing.  If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing,  take a breath and STOP. 

What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way …  YOU have become your own subject to analyse.  Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day?  is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses?  I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled

…   Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me.  I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.

If you can  TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.

*****

Secondly  – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath.  There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus.  You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself. 

For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you  miss him.   Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.  

For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it.  Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him. 

******

Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”.  For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered).  Carry this vision as often as you can.  

Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat  OVER and OVER again every time things get hard.  Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”.  Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself.  I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.  

*****

In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments.  When he said/messaged “You should come and do this”  it meant that I HAD to do it.  If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way.   And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him.  All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.

I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.   

*****

References

 

Psychopath Gallery – N.S.P Codex

20160507_202311Psychopath Gallery – “N.S.P – CODEX”

Narcissist; Sociopath; Psychopath … The types of toxic relationships with roots that drain you of all emotion and leave you a Hollow Self.  An emotional vampire .. my psychopath. I was a Supply for so many aspects of your life.

But then, you have always been my Muse with all your sad, weird life stories and confronting thoughts about what the true principles of life should be.   You showed me a side of life so different to mine, that it made me feel so alive.  It felt so special just to be me when I was with you.

Thank you for bringing Art back into my life.

 

Why even fantasize about being with a psychopath?

Why do victims continue to believe  and have desires of a changed life with the psychopath?  The fantasies that go round in their heads and the deep longing for a life with the psychopath DESPITE knowing and suspecting their lies and deceptive behaviour could be true?  Surely they are not low functioning, non intelligent women?    If so, the recovery forums are filled with these women.

FUTURE FAKING and INABILITY TO FULFILL PROMISES (or keep them) will prevent us from ever having any worthwhile long term relationships.  

My personal irrational musings…..

This is the  “WHAT IFs” in life that we ponder when we feel unsure if it was the right choice or if we could be in tow places or be two persons.   The movie with parallel dimensions.  psychopath in my life and no psychopath.

So I keep pondering the “what if” I actually become fully yours and started a life with you.  If I never worked out what you really were/are and how much happiness I would have with you and long we would have lasted… would you have settled for me? You seem to need a harem of women to keep you going – real and on the internet. I already know the answer – but my heart is hoping that you might have said yes. But YOUR ANSWER would have been “NO”.

The fact that you are with some one else now and I can myself cant be with you – makes the pondering harder. Your “new supply” or “other woman” (as she is often referred to in text book terms) is she nice to you? Do you do and say the same things to her?  YOUR ANSWER would be “YES .. and whatever I have learnt to from you, I will also use on her”.

This truly is an amazing disorder you have, my love. There are so many terminologies appendixed to the word Psychopaths :- love bombing; gaslighting; hovering; trauma bonding;  no contact; no contact ever again; Stockholm Syndrome; dominance bond; other woman/man; disard; devalue; silent treatment; triangulation;… ahhhh… and the back to basics one – just being an arsehole at times with your vindictive comments, my love.

Yes, as I was saying, you are living with a new supply and trying for a baby – BUT still happy to manipulate other women on the side ie. me and the others you tell me about.  Most psychopaths are sexually promiscuous and will happily play the field.  The problem is they are very good with their strategies and have a wonderful database of lovely phrases to call upon.  One common thing he said was “I love and care about you…. BUT I also love and care about her” (with voice drifting off full of regret and puppy confusion).  This gives you the power but also takes it away at the same time.

So in reality, they will only stay for as longs as you are needed or as long as you will tolerate their shit. 

Please don’t get me wrong, they operate in a very “normal” function ie. they eat, sleep, get hungry, compliment you when you have made a nice meal,. go clothes and food shopping – IT IS JUST THAT they have other plans to you, other women they are conversing with online or in real life, a different sense of justice ie. everyone is out to manipulate everyone else, etc, etc.   All fascinating to hear about, listen to, discuss until you don’t even realise that your very own sense of self being and values have  been substantially altered by being exposed to their reasons of why they treat others they way they do.

I know because I have always been on the other side.  I could be she and she could be me.  All inter changeable to you.  I never know who means anything to you and who you bounce back and forth from.  So many, so many women you have been with, intimate of otherwise – it must be meaningless to you.  Each and everyone one of us whom you have met and have been with… even those “just for sex”.  If I were with you now, I would spend all my time wondering if you were truly there for me.  If I were with you now, you would be telling me I was over reacting to the time you spend messaging others and the number of messages you send.  If I were with you now,  I would be reminded that you like ALL men (and like the raw cave men) like women and don’t have morals as such.

If I were with you now, I would always feel that I am not enough for you…. I feel like I am one step behind in figuring things out. 

So many of us feel like we are STUCK in the pondering of the WHAT IF scenario and whether you are truly happier with the next person in line.  I don’t even know if what you tell me about missing me lots despite being with her now is real. I can only feel the apprehension as I imagine you being with her intimately. I just want to block it all out. You and me ever being together.  Some days are bad and I can’t snap out of it. I do miss you but not the pain and confusion.  

I will never know if I did the right thing in letting us go (well you did the discard too) but I guess, I also don’t want to be squashed between the sliding doors whilst waiting for you to show the REAL YOU  behind your mask.  As you said before “I mirror what others expect of me. I am soul-less P268”.   But….Thank you for being honest at least …. 

9 MONTHS LATER – we are still together … you won’t let me go.  She doesn’t know about us, and I am also suppose to be in the clear from you as far as the people around me know.  You have treated me with due respect as much as you are capable of until this week.  You have gone into a cold mode with now 2 days of silent treatment.  I don’t know if a car has hit you or you are in hospital or that you just want to end it.  I rather know that you want to end this so that I can finish writing all this and put it behind me.  You have been SO convincing with your actions and words all this time.  I TRULY am beside myself wondering if you are ok.   

Ending a relationship with NO CLOSURE

Victims often find it hard to end a Psychopathic Relationship – Often the victim HAS to walk away, having NO CLOSURE to the relationship.  Either you leave the psychopath or he leaves you.  It is rarely amicable. Unlike in a normal relationship generally, both parties get to sit down, talk things over and decide, “Oh well, it is better we part as it is not going to work”.

If you leave him, you run the risk of him being vicious and vindictive as he is not ready to let go, or if he lets you “go”, you will be hovered and pursued again after some time has elapsed.

If he leaves you – it tends to be sudden and then there is generally silence.  The psychopath has either latched on to another source of supply or has realised his relationship with his current supply (whom he was playing off against you) needs saving.

But if you don’t leave you will  continue to argue with the psychopath about why he treated you “that way” or lied.  But try ..  you need time as you are SO confused, you need space to think.  By then your mind is full of jumbled thoughts and “jumping monkeys” that you no longer live in the space of the current time.

WALKING AWAY when I still loved my love so much was one of the most painful and hardest things I have had to do.  He wasn’t ready to let me go and he wasn’t happy that I then had control over the relationship.  He was so used to testing and teasing me with the line “OK – This is it then ..” to which I would then retract my accusations and accept the situation as it was.  But this time, I found the courage and strength to start the “No Contact” process.  Victims need to go No Contact even if it is for a short time to start off.  I urge you if you can, have a break, a small one if you can’t think of it forever. Try to set a time frame of 2 weeks .. 1 month .. 3 months to start.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE PAST THE FOG IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY TRAPPED IN IT.

Here are some questions I have for the my love, the wolf…

  • WHAT does it feel like to want to devour another – body, mind and soul?
  • DID you really love me – in whatever capacity you had? ie. Did I mean something to you compared to the others?
  • WHEN your soul is empty do you fill yourself up with the emotions from others? Is that why you find it unbearable to be on your own with your own company? Without these emotions would you really feel bored? Couldn’t you just join a soccer team and do sport like other people do?
  • IS this game or intention something you actually get joy out of? ie. making friends with unsuspecting women/teenagers to try to get them to say they love you or send you a photo of themselves within a maximum of 6 messages?
  • IS life all about getting a person to confide in you – you feel like it is “win” that they trust YOU – a total online stranger – with all their deep secrets?
  • I read that you actually can’t feel empathy or love (as best as we can define it) – or CAN you? If you can, does it ever last and how long? Was I one of the longest you had?
  • WHY do you get bored with women so easily and move from one to another?  Is it that once you have studied them sufficiently, you need new challenges?
  • DOES the knowledge that someone really loving you NOT mean anything to you?
  • WHICH bits of your life stories that you have told me are real?
  • Do you know I truly feel sorry for you in the sense that you will land up old and lonely just like your dad in his dying days? You hated him so much for leaving you and your mum and for being a womaniser but yet you are just like him…

I gave you – Me, My Heart and Unconditional Love. EVEN NOW – knowing what you are – if I knew you were in an accident or really needed help, I would still come.  I think I will always feel this way even with the passing of time. I love you, you dickhead Psychopath.

But for now- I have to cut my losses. Too much was not making sense and I was getting sick of the silent treatment and the dismissive devaluing comments.

MORE TO FOLLOW:  Leaving a Psychopath is a dangerous move.