I am in a good place at the moment – and when I look back at how black my world was when I was in your clutches, I can see why I was so confused and so lost. For you and others .. who DELIBERATLY and KNOWING go out to seek supply and harness the emotional energy that you so need to sustain your existence, are truly empty. The diet of “Control and Power” that consumes you and keeps you lying to one person and to another so that you can keep your days filled – aside from playing Xbox. How empty how sad how unknowing of life.
I am in a good place at the moment – and I don’t know how long it will last. But while I am safe, safe from your hoovers and your contact, I am at least safe for now. Each time I am in a good frame of mind, I build up a little bit more resistance. Like a squirrel, I hide another weapon, reinforce another piece of information about you and continue to gently remind myself that I am OK and I don’t need you in my life to make me feel loved and be loved.
I am in a good place at the moment – BUT I recite the last horrid message you sent me and remember the tears and pain that Monday in February. The Monday I had to survive with strangers as I had a public show and I would not hide from everyone. I know it is not good to keep hurting myself with those words but if I don’t repeat your unkindness, I may forget that deep down – that is what you TRULY are.
I am in a good place at the moment – and I thank God and the Universe for taking care of me. I know we will never be given a challenge harder than what we can bear. My spirit will not be defeated and my flame die. No one should be allowed to put my flame out – except me.
I am in a good place at the moment – I want to be free.
“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections
Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”. Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.
To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard. Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it! The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive. Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)…
Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain. And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.
So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF.
Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained. All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated. And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing. If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing, take a breath and STOP.
What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way … YOU have become your own subject to analyse. Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day? is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses? I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled
… Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me. I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.
If you can TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.
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Secondly – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath. There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus. You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself.
For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you miss him. Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.
For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it. Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your non-typical responses.
When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your non-typical responses.
Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him.
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Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”. For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered). Carry this vision as often as you can.
Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat OVER and OVER again every time things get hard. Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”. Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself. I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.
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In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments. When he said/messaged “You should come and do this” it meant that I HAD to do it. If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way. And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him. All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.
I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.
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References
In the “E-Squared” book by Pam Grout page 11 she writes about Intentions being instantaneous as in the quantum world. Imagine how amazing that would be/ is!!
In Cyndi Dale’s book “The Subtle Body Practice Manual” page 108 it gives steps to setting a new intention.
Why do victims continue to believe and have desires of a changed life with the psychopath? The fantasies that go round in their heads and the deep longing for a life with the psychopath DESPITE knowing and suspecting their lies and deceptive behaviour could be true? Surely they are not low functioning, non intelligent women? If so, the recovery forums are filled with these women.
FUTURE FAKING and INABILITY TO FULFILL PROMISES (or keep them) will prevent us from ever having any worthwhile long term relationships.
My personal irrational musings…..
This is the “WHAT IFs” in life that we ponder when we feel unsure if it was the right choice or if we could be in tow places or be two persons. The movie with parallel dimensions. psychopath in my life and no psychopath.
So I keep pondering the “what if” I actually become fully yours and started a life with you. If I never worked out what you really were/are and how much happiness I would have with you and long we would have lasted… would you have settled for me? You seem to need a harem of women to keep you going – real and on the internet. I already know the answer – but my heart is hoping that you might have said yes. But YOUR ANSWER would have been “NO”.
The fact that you are with some one else now and I can myself cant be with you – makes the pondering harder. Your “new supply” or “other woman” (as she is often referred to in text book terms) is she nice to you? Do you do and say the same things to her? YOUR ANSWER would be “YES .. and whatever I have learnt to from you, I will also use on her”.
This truly is an amazing disorder you have, my love. There are so many terminologies appendixed to the word Psychopaths :- love bombing; gaslighting; hovering; trauma bonding; no contact; no contact ever again; Stockholm Syndrome; dominance bond; other woman/man; disard; devalue; silent treatment; triangulation;… ahhhh… and the back to basics one – just being an arsehole at times with your vindictive comments, my love.
Yes, as I was saying, you are living with a new supply and trying for a baby – BUT still happy to manipulate other women on the side ie. me and the others you tell me about. Most psychopaths are sexually promiscuous and will happily play the field. The problem is they are very good with their strategies and have a wonderful database of lovely phrases to call upon. One common thing he said was “I love and care about you…. BUT I also love and care about her” (with voice drifting off full of regret and puppy confusion). This gives you the power but also takes it away at the same time.
So in reality, they will only stay for as longs as you are needed or as long as you will tolerate their shit.
Please don’t get me wrong, they operate in a very “normal” function ie. they eat, sleep, get hungry, compliment you when you have made a nice meal,. go clothes and food shopping – IT IS JUST THAT they have other plans to you, other women they are conversing with online or in real life, a different sense of justice ie. everyone is out to manipulate everyone else, etc, etc. All fascinating to hear about, listen to, discuss until you don’t even realise that your very own sense of self being and values have been substantially altered by being exposed to their reasons of why they treat others they way they do.
I know because I have always been on the other side. I could be she and she could be me. All inter changeable to you. I never know who means anything to you and who you bounce back and forth from. So many, so many women you have been with, intimate of otherwise – it must be meaningless to you. Each and everyone one of us whom you have met and have been with… even those “just for sex”. If I were with you now, I would spend all my time wondering if you were truly there for me. If I were with you now, you would be telling me I was over reacting to the time you spend messaging others and the number of messages you send. If I were with you now, I would be reminded that you like ALL men (and like the raw cave men) like women and don’t have morals as such.
If I were with you now, I would always feel that I am not enough for you…. I feel like I am one step behind in figuring things out.
So many of us feel like we are STUCK in the pondering of the WHAT IF scenario and whether you are truly happier with the next person in line. I don’t even know if what you tell me about missing me lots despite being with her now is real. I can only feel the apprehension as I imagine you being with her intimately. I just want to block it all out. You and me ever being together. Some days are bad and I can’t snap out of it. I do miss you but not the pain and confusion.
I will never know if I did the right thing in letting us go (well you did the discard too) but I guess, I also don’t want to be squashed between the sliding doors whilst waiting for you to show the REAL YOU behind your mask. As you said before “I mirror what others expect of me. I am soul-less P268”. But….Thank you for being honest at least ….
9 MONTHS LATER– we are still together … you won’t let me go. She doesn’t know about us, and I am also suppose to be in the clear from you as far as the people around me know. You have treated me with due respect as much as you are capable of until this week. You have gone into a cold mode with now 2 days of silent treatment. I don’t know if a car has hit you or you are in hospital or that you just want to end it. I rather know that you want to end this so that I can finish writing all this and put it behind me. You have been SO convincing with your actions and words all this time. I TRULY am beside myself wondering if you are ok.
psychopathMyLove 