Tag: Pavlov’s Dog

The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

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Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

  • Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
  • There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  • Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
  • STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

  • Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
  • Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
  • Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

 

Psychopath Gallery – Eyes Seize Truth

During my time with the Psychopath, I used Art as a form of distracting myself and give myself some time to go into the zone.  A space in my head when the mindless chatter would sometimes slow down and I would be able to just space out.  Each of the Art pieces you see in the Psychopath Gallery could take from 1 to 4 hours to complete.  Each piece drawn represents A Concept or Emotion that I was confronted with about Psychopathy.   I have drawn about 60 odd pieces to date.

Here are two pieces I drew displaying the Concept of Seeing the Pain and the Truth.

Psychopath Gallery – “DRAGON TEAR”

He was born in the year of the Dragon.  Very much aware that he was different and had thoughts and perspectives so different from the rest of us.  I know he was at times saddened by all that he found hard to grapple with since a young boy.

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Psychopath Gallery – “EYES SEIZE TRUTH”  ..  A play on I see-the Truth ..

Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO.

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The Sexual Psychopath will ALWAYS cheat

Dear Other Woman

You are now either deeply in love with him OR being heavily groomed. I am only writing this because I feel compelled to let you know what you are up against.   Well, to start off, our common lover falls into  the “Sexual Psychopath” category.  SO let me tell you a bit more about the new man in your life … and maybe some qualities about you that you may realize that have led to your entanglement with him.

ABOUT HIM –

1.  He has that look in his eyes, the height, the sensual feel about him.  We have always wanted the experience of being “so wanted drunkenly by a man” and to think he is so into YOU is simply amazing.  His brown eyes … they follow you across the room; they trace your body up and down; they are cheeky and mischievous at the same time; they are big and you drown in them when he stares you down.   It’s like that trashy 50 Shades of Grey but this time, he belongs to you .. or if you like the more subtle version,  the Mr. Darcy that only YOU can uncover and appreciate.  [SUPERFICIAL GLIB AND CHARM] 

2.  He makes you feel good because he notices you and any changes you make to your self.  He compliments you pretty much everyday and wants to know which bra and panty set you have on for the day. He tells you he loves you – in the initial stages at least – I was receiving about 80 to 100 messages from him a day – how many are you getting? When he first met you, did he say “Oh.. so is this what Love really feels like? I have only felt this way with one other woman”.   And he has a cute nickname for you, a special one JUST for you .. such as “Babe” – along with Missus /Love/ anything at all ..  Sadly, you realize when you accidentally glance at his phone that All these special endearing names that have been used before for many others.  [LOVE BOMBING]

3.  Most days he will make a request for you to wear a set that he likes.   I think you are familiar with Pavlov’s Dog? With each complicit act that you agree to, be it take a photo when he requests, wear a piece of clothing when he says you should, help pay a bill because he needs to borrow money,  you name it … YOU are being Trained just like Pavlov’s Dog to react to his command.  Little requests, without your knowing suddenly become big ones.  [HE IS GROOMING YOU]

4.  He likes to touch and constantly says he misses you when you are not next to him. I was flattered – were you?  And hell!!  he works FAST doesn’t he?  Moves quicker than no other man I have dated.  He proposed to his fiancee in December and by February, was asking a commitment from me. How sweet.  You were ripe, though, meeting him on Tinder and wanting a man to have a baby – no strings attached – perfect scenario for him to move into. [MOVES FAST TO LOCK IN THE TRUST, DOPAMINE AND BONDING]

5.  Isn’t it nice that he likes curries, just like you.  But he liked rice and noodles too, just like me.  He is a fussy eater BUT to be honest,  I don’t even know if he really has any preferences at all OR does he morph his culinary tastes to the things you cook?  When I was with him, he would say that what I cooked was yummy but I would find some of it in the bin.  I also found it wonderful how he had some interest in the same topics that I had. And that no one really understood me, except him.  [MIRRORING]

6.  Despite the fact that he said that he could get any woman, and that he had been interested in others, you the one for him .. maybe sometimes you may need to share? a little?  And what about if he finds teenagers and kids attractive, would you be offended? Ha ha ONLY kidding! .. but would you perhaps find it “kinky”? and if you didn’t find it repulsive, would you like to see?

He has been sexually active since age 9. He slept with his sister’s friend.  He has also slept with his sister.  And at the age of 13, he blackmailed his 24 year old neighbor to letting him touch her. He has also slept with the Landlord who was in charge of him while he was on parole.  He has an ex wife of 9 years with 2 kids and a ex-Fiancee with a child; and ….. God knows if ANY of this is true but I believed it in the beginning and have ssen their photos. [PATHOLOGICAL LIAR]

 

ABOUT YOU

1.  I know that you love him. Truly Madly Deeply.  Because I saw the message you wrote him stuck on the fridge door – “B, B… I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait to come home to you”.  Hah … I would have written those words myself and to be honest I have – many times, in different forms.  But I will not be selfish and I will also acknowledge that many others have felt and written deep love for him too.   Believe me, you are not the only one.   [GIVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART]

2.  You are trusting, sensitive and caring.  You are self sufficient, migrating from overseas and coming to live here all by  yourself and start a successful career in a prestigious field.  You read a lot (well informed, I’d like to think)  – just like I do but we like different genres. You work hard long hours at times and go on holidays, don’t you, not really knowing what he does in the residence you have entrusted him to.  Yeah – it’s so horrible, that intuitive gift we are given that we choose to ignore and override with “his logical words” – “I was asleep all the time I was home”…. “I was playing games all that while”. [HIGH FUNCTIONING, TRUSTING AND EMPATHIC]

3.  It is so weird that you met him on Tinder.  I understand you wanted to start a family with him via Tinder when you first met ..   What an ideal spot for him to target you.  You were looking for someone like a sperm donor (no strings attached) and he was looking for a place to stay as the rent of his current place was getting a bit expensive.  [LONELY AND VULNERABLE] 

4.  You are confused.  He loves you, but he also does not hide the fact that he loves others as well.   It’s that hard life that he has been through and all those prior to you who did not give him a chance.   It must be SO TIRING playing detective.  I can imagine you would be going mad trying to work out whether the hunches or life stories he tells you were imagined or true? But you will stick by him no matter what, because that is what he needs now. HE NEEDS someone strong LIKE YOU to pull him through.  [PERSISTENT IN BELIEF OF HIS ULTIMATE SALVAGE]

5.  I can’t help but say I am sorry but I am being selfish.  I want him too.  For a long while I thought I could compromise, accept him as he was and learn to share the love. But after much pain and deliberation,  I know living with him close proximity long terms will kill me and compromise my principles to a level that I would not recognize as myself.  I know that he has been with me for quite a few years now – but even that, I do not know him well at all.   By that I mean, I don’t know what he does with his time when I am not with him.  I can speculate .. You don’t know about his past do you – all the weird things he likes doing and thinking about.  Most of the time he can keep it hidden but when he decides to trust you, he may tell you one day.  He is very sexual and loves his women.  I think THAT is something you must surely know.  And women of all ages I will add.  So don’t get too jealous, otherwise it will eat into you.  You have to learn to acknowledge that he will always need variety and he will always be looking.  Even when you send him down the supermarket aisle, he will be looking!  Don’t worry, if you continue to provide for him, he won’t stray far.. I know you have already loaned him for half his car.  As for me, don’t even ask – I have given up hoping I will get any of what I helped him with back!  [WILLINGNESS TO GO AGAINST CORE BELIEFS TO MAKE SAVE ANOTHER] 

AND SO – by you giving him and ultimatum and asking him to leave me today you, you think will have full control of him do you?  Well, if that works, well done.  But all you have done is helped me out so that I can move peacefully out of harms way. I have had my share of discards.

Try to stay sane and I hope when you find out, you will recover quicker than me. 

Yours faithfully. KM

Notes added later ————>>

By the way, imagine how surprised I was when I realised the song I “dedicated” to him when we first met was featured in this infamous site! Talk about coincidences ! my song to you

It has now been almost two years since I have had No Contact.  The time has been hard as I have been trying to repair other parts of my life that damaged as a result.  I found out a few months ago that he was dating my work colleague (recently divorced) and had moved in with her in her new house.  I realised that I was emotionally over him and really relieved that I had no feelings of jealously.  My only concern was for my colleague and the fact that she has 3 teenagers who are now  vulnerable in his presence in the house.  He needs to report to the Police that he is in the presence of children but I am not sure if he has done so.

 

 

Recovery from the Psychopath – Yes YOU CAN

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“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections

Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”.  Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.

To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard.  Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it!  The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive.   Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)… 

Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain.  And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.  

So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN  YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF. 

Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained.  All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated.  And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing.  If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing,  take a breath and STOP. 

What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way …  YOU have become your own subject to analyse.  Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day?  is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses?  I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled

…   Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me.  I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.

If you can  TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.

*****

Secondly  – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath.  There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus.  You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself. 

For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you  miss him.   Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.  

For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it.  Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him. 

******

Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”.  For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered).  Carry this vision as often as you can.  

Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat  OVER and OVER again every time things get hard.  Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”.  Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself.  I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.  

*****

In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments.  When he said/messaged “You should come and do this”  it meant that I HAD to do it.  If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way.   And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him.  All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.

I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.   

*****

References

 

Ending a relationship with NO CLOSURE

Victims often find it hard to end a Psychopathic Relationship – Often the victim HAS to walk away, having NO CLOSURE to the relationship.  Either you leave the psychopath or he leaves you.  It is rarely amicable. Unlike in a normal relationship generally, both parties get to sit down, talk things over and decide, “Oh well, it is better we part as it is not going to work”.

If you leave him, you run the risk of him being vicious and vindictive as he is not ready to let go, or if he lets you “go”, you will be hovered and pursued again after some time has elapsed.

If he leaves you – it tends to be sudden and then there is generally silence.  The psychopath has either latched on to another source of supply or has realised his relationship with his current supply (whom he was playing off against you) needs saving.

But if you don’t leave you will  continue to argue with the psychopath about why he treated you “that way” or lied.  But try ..  you need time as you are SO confused, you need space to think.  By then your mind is full of jumbled thoughts and “jumping monkeys” that you no longer live in the space of the current time.

WALKING AWAY when I still loved my love so much was one of the most painful and hardest things I have had to do.  He wasn’t ready to let me go and he wasn’t happy that I then had control over the relationship.  He was so used to testing and teasing me with the line “OK – This is it then ..” to which I would then retract my accusations and accept the situation as it was.  But this time, I found the courage and strength to start the “No Contact” process.  Victims need to go No Contact even if it is for a short time to start off.  I urge you if you can, have a break, a small one if you can’t think of it forever. Try to set a time frame of 2 weeks .. 1 month .. 3 months to start.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE PAST THE FOG IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY TRAPPED IN IT.

Here are some questions I have for the my love, the wolf…

  • WHAT does it feel like to want to devour another – body, mind and soul?
  • DID you really love me – in whatever capacity you had? ie. Did I mean something to you compared to the others?
  • WHEN your soul is empty do you fill yourself up with the emotions from others? Is that why you find it unbearable to be on your own with your own company? Without these emotions would you really feel bored? Couldn’t you just join a soccer team and do sport like other people do?
  • IS this game or intention something you actually get joy out of? ie. making friends with unsuspecting women/teenagers to try to get them to say they love you or send you a photo of themselves within a maximum of 6 messages?
  • IS life all about getting a person to confide in you – you feel like it is “win” that they trust YOU – a total online stranger – with all their deep secrets?
  • I read that you actually can’t feel empathy or love (as best as we can define it) – or CAN you? If you can, does it ever last and how long? Was I one of the longest you had?
  • WHY do you get bored with women so easily and move from one to another?  Is it that once you have studied them sufficiently, you need new challenges?
  • DOES the knowledge that someone really loving you NOT mean anything to you?
  • WHICH bits of your life stories that you have told me are real?
  • Do you know I truly feel sorry for you in the sense that you will land up old and lonely just like your dad in his dying days? You hated him so much for leaving you and your mum and for being a womaniser but yet you are just like him…

I gave you – Me, My Heart and Unconditional Love. EVEN NOW – knowing what you are – if I knew you were in an accident or really needed help, I would still come.  I think I will always feel this way even with the passing of time. I love you, you dickhead Psychopath.

But for now- I have to cut my losses. Too much was not making sense and I was getting sick of the silent treatment and the dismissive devaluing comments.

MORE TO FOLLOW:  Leaving a Psychopath is a dangerous move.