The Dark Secrets untold – Grooming numbness

When he started telling me his “secrets that no one else really knows about” I could not imagine the number of secrets or deviant adventures that he got up to.  At first, they started as small ones – a bit quirky, a bit funny and laughable.  But towards the end, I think if he had told me about them on the first day we met, I would have immediately walked away.  But as they say, a Psychopath grooms his victims well.  So much so that when you are standing in the path of a car that is about to run you over, you don’t even realise that you are being hit. 

However, for the longest time ever, I was not sure it the stories he told me were real or made up to get a reaction. The fact that he had the imagination to even think of doing it,  was one of the things that intrigued me.  The way his mind worked, so different from mine, was, to me .. ashamedly FASCINATING.  Everything was naughty, devious, cheeky, sexy, fun and twisted … that was how it was portrayed as.  I loved the spontaneity and  unabashedness of how situations were viewed by him – so yes, the way he looked at things did bring back youthfulness to the jaded adult life that I was living in.  But as time passed, I realised there was more than just “fun” to his stories and adventures  – he always landed up hurting someone or some family.

I met him in his forties – so by then, he had been married once and divorced, and then gotten engaged to two other women over a period of 3 to 4 years  [Both relationships did not eventuate in marriage].  He had a boy and girl from his first marriage and a girl with his second fiancee.  The ex-wife has a restraining order over him and the second fiancee had asked him for full custody of his daughter as she moved overseas to get away from him.

He indicated that he also had been with “a few” women.  Looking back I think I could safely say, with his prowess, he would easily have slept with 100 women.  When I first asked him how many he said “like 20” but over time when I saw how quickly picked girls up and slept with them I realised health could be in danger.

So here goes – I will tell them as best as I can remember …

HE STARTED YOUNG.  When he was 9 years old, he slept with his 13 year old sister’s friend.  That was his first sexual encounter. Thereafter, he also slept with his sister (once?) as they use to “play” with each other as they grew up sleeping in the same room. She was older by a few years.  On Facebook, she looks normal – with a family and 2 kids. I often wonder if she realised what her younger brother was doing to her and how she feels now.

As a child, he use to hide in the laundry basket in his mother’s bed room and watch her shower and dress.  He admitted to me in the last month before we had no contact that he still had sexual feelings towards his mother, sometimes dreaming of her.  He did call her and tell her about it but I am not sure what she said to him.  When she was accidentally drugged once at a party, and he was 16? .. he made out with her while she had “passed out”. I still can recall his face when he relayed that story – the smile, the fact he got away with it, the satisfaction of being with his mother. I REALLY did not know whether to believe him or not – as it just seemed implausible for a son to want to have his mother so badly ..

When he was 13, he “blackmailed” his 24 year old  neighbour to allow him to rub her naked, back and front. He said he knew some secrets about her that he used as a leverage point.  In his teenage years, he also slept with his mother’s good friend and had a relationship with his aunty (by marriage) for a few years – without the knowledge of his uncle.  These older ladies “could not get enough” of him. 

When he was 18 and homeless, he slept under the house of his girlfriend for a month and she would sneak him in to her room to have sex when her mother was not home.

HE MARRIED NB in his early 20’s and after 9 years and 2 kids, they separated.  He said after they split, she used him to fund her studies and lodged a false report that he was violent to her.  For NB , he enjoyed a session where he had a friend take her while he watched and in turn, he made out with the other man’s wife.    Since then NB has refused to let his children see him.  He hopes that when they turn 18 they will try to contact him.

HIS MUSINGS would make me gasp and “blush”.  Suggestions of Three or foursomes; suggestions that he should have sex with one person whilst holding some one else (like the person’s partner) hostage to watch the action.  Suggestions of rape and graphic situations.

ELLE LASTED ONE YEAR. He met Elle while he was at work – she was the Boss’ daughter.  Elle was divorced with a daughter, Mandy from her first marriage. Apparently Mandy was very attracted to him and would often say to her mum, Elle that she hoped to kill her mum and marry the psycho and live with him.  Mandy was around 6 or 7 years old then.  Psycho claimed he was not interested in Mandy at all and it was all this 7 year old’s doing.   He was busy working 2 jobs and was taking drugs to keep his energy up.   One day, Mandy told her dad that she had been having showers with psycho and that she was touching him.   According to psycho, when I first met him,   SHE (Mandy) was the weird one and kept pestering him to allow her to touch him. And as he was on a lot of drugs, most of times when she insisted on touching him, he was spaced out and could not think straight.  Hell broke loose when Mandy’s father reported psycho to the police. Of course,  psycho denied all allegations.  Elle said that she would believe psycho only IF he took a lie detector test (about the allegations), but he said he did not want to cause any more trouble and thought it was best he ended their engagement there and then.  He said Mandy had serious sexual issues and for the sake of not causing anymore pain, he confessed (“even though he did nothing really wrong”)  and was sentence to 6 months in prison.  At the same time , Elle had fallen pregnant with psycho’s child.   [This was the initial version of the story that he told me at the beginning when we met after I prodded.]

A few years later, when he told me additional things about the case, those additional “facts” made me think otherwise – that was, PERHAPS – HE was really the perpetrator.  I can see now that he did have an “interest” in children and it worried me.

He lives under the shadow of the Registry for this offense and is bound to report all incidents when he comes into contact with children.  Elle has since moved to Canada with Mandy and psycho’s baby to start a new life and has full custody of the children.

HE WENT TO JAIL for 9 months.  He survived knowing who to butter up and therefore remained safe.  He worked out and bulked up during that period and was very please with his physique.  When he was released, he had to live with Grace, a sponsor of some sort, who was suppose to look after him while he was on parole.  Grace was his senior and they got along well and had sex … once according to him.  

After a few months,  he decided to move in with a woman , KY whom he met before he went into jail.   He was in love with KY and proposed to her.   He was technically supposed to be living at Grace’s house but he decided not to.    KY’s and psycho’s relationship was up and down.  He talked about KY being interested in another women.  One day when he caught his KY making out with another mum from school and he decided to join in the action.  That made her very mad apparently.  He had a hot crush on KY’s second daughter – 16 at that time, a red head who was well endowed.  He would rub the tooth brushes of KY teenage girls’ on his pubic hair so that he could watch them brush their teeth with that knowledge.  He would climb up to the roof of the bathroom of the house and watch the girls shower from up above.  He would also get approached by KY’s girls seductively while he lived under the same roof but apparently “he never did anything”.  The youngest daughter, at that time was 7 or 8.  She had a friend (who was one year older) who used to after everyone went to sleep, make him lick her until she came (he knew she came as the taste in his mouth changed).  But “he never did anything with her”.   This story he only told me right at the end before he left with a discard .. and to this day , a part of me is not sure what to believe ..  To be honest, KY was also a bit dysfunctional .. all daughters from different marriages.  She was just too trusting with her daughters .. but towards the end of their relationship, she threw a knife at him and asked why don’t you just sleep with my daughter?

WHILE HE WAS WITH KY, HE HAD INTERNET AFFAIRS THAT DID NOT COUNT AS THEY WERE “NOT REAL”.  He had an phone affair with a 60 year old woman in Canada whose husband found out later and stopped it when she wanted to fly out here to be with him. He would have long conversations and messages everyday for a few months and it would drive me mad to feel so jealous.  But she was not the only one who distracted him so I knew he was a smooth player.

HE GROOMED WOMEN HE MET ON THE NET AS WELL. After he broke up with KY and was technically a free man he went on-line and trolled the young and old on Messenger.  He would not converse with anyone here in this country, only overseas so that it would be harder to track him if anything happened.  His goal was to see how resistant the girls were in sending photos of themselves and what the average number of messages was required to obtain those photos.  Obviously he took pride in HIS selfies as he was able to demo him wares.  One night he showed me a mex girl who had sent him photos of herself .. she was so in love with him from what I could read from her replies.  so young and impressionable .. there were ladies older than him as well from what I understand.  His philosophy – they are all lonely and getting attention and happiness from him – so what is the problem? he was not doing anything wrong.  By messaging them, he was making them feel loved and for some, less suicidal. At times I reckon he was “entertaining” 30 to 50 women on his phone.  He had the ability to pick up form his gaming or chat sites, the more vulnerable ones.  

FINALLY HE HAD A WOMAN WHO WAS WILLING TO MOVE FROM THE STATES TO BE WITH HIM.   His new love, Liz, who had been sexually abused by her father as a teenager and SHE was also coming out here to live with him!! Hoorah! He started looking for places to rent with her when she arrived (and asked me for help to look for a place for them .. REALLY??  Psycho had a really warped sense of obligation.  Liz was under medication and her mother (who apparently knew of her husband abusing her daughter through out the years) refused to let her leave the States.  When Liz declared her love for psycho, she would say “I love you Daddy”.  Due to the fact that she was always looking for her father’s approval, they only way she could say she loved him, was to use the “Daddy” term.  Anyway  Liz never made it out here. [As a friend said to me at that time, anything a Psychopath says is going to happen, rarely does, as pathological liar never coverts words to action]

BUT SHE NEVER DID COME.  After Liz’s plans fell apart,  he was on his own and living single.  He met Vivian from Insurance, who was in love with him, but he only liked her as a friend and nothing happened between them. He liked being single and needed a break from relationships.

BEING SINGLE .. DID NOT LAST.  After 4 months of trolling the net and hooking up with various women, he met RT on Tinder.  Well educated and a Pharmacist, with a home to share and always purchasing nice gifts for him,  she allowed him to move in with her after a month.  Unknown to her, his “play time” always coincided when she went back to visit her family in London. During that period/ month he would live with other women whom he had groomed and scoped out during the year; re-establish contacts with previous discards; try to re-establish contact .. hoover again you could say.  Eventually,  I think RT suspected that he was not really “at home” while she was away  They apparently lasted less than 2 years.

While psycho was living with RT, he drove Vivian to work each day.  Psycho worked night shift and in the mornings, he would go to Vivian’s house and pick her to to take her to work in the city, as it was on his way home.  RT would be at work by the time he reached home and would technically only see him during the weekends when they both did not work.  I was puzzle by this arrangement but maybe he finally worked out a way of being with 2 women.

THERE’S MORE . But I am tired and I just don’t want to be the mind keeper of his stories anymore. Hence why I am letting go of them.

Over the period of getting to know the psychopath, when he told these stories, I realised they were also part of “GROOMING THE VICTIM”.  I was fed little bits of his stories at a time.  Told in a way to test and seed ideas outside what I may deem my personal moral boundaries. Judge and see my reaction, and if I would push him away and tell him I would not see him again.

His concept of “what people (ie. women) are really asking for” was very much a sexual solution.  The fact that he was able read and understand their needs and fulfill them, I observed was true to a certain degree.  We all want some one to give us that undivided attention and love – say how much they miss us when we are not with them, notice what we wear inside and out, compliment us, ask us to be theirs and have the “I met my soul mate at last” feeling.  THAT skill of Love Bombing, he has mastered very well.

The only problem with Psycho was, with his fake declarations of love, interwoven in between were his the real declarations of what he did/do to others.  Things that were initially shocking/repulsive, but then as time passed, I don’t know how, these acts were deemed acceptable and was just  accepted as part of his way of “loving” people to me. That side of COGNITIVE DISSONANCE was hard to come to terms with. My version of love versus his.  My normal versus his.  My moral views versus his.  All pretty much on opposite ends of the scale.  But hearing his dark secrets allowed me to see a world through his eyes that I was truly intrigued by, with a question in my mind all the time of .. “Did you make this up or is it really true?”

He will continue to be as he is .. unchangeable and I know he is with my colleague, HJ’s family of 3 teenage girls.  He will need to be careful to report his whereabouts to the authorities in order not to get charged.  I hope the HJ knows his full history but as I said before, I have to leave her to work him out.  I can’t tell her about him as a woman in love with a psychopath is unmovable with the “faith” that he will get better if she supports him.

It has been a while since I thought of these stories .. But I am OK now and I have to move past wondering which of these stories may be OR are true.   I just look back at how easy it was for someone whom I would normally despise, to have been able to change my whole outlook to accept the unacceptable.

Webster’s Dicktionary for the Psychopath

Oh well – why not? I can rattle them off anyway.  Let’s see how many I can get.   Here is a list of words and terms that are generally used to describe things in the Psychopathic World by victims.

A – is for the truly Amazing feelings one felt upon meeting the Psychopath and the constant Attention that was received during the courting period. It is also for the Abuse that was endured unknowingly by the victim. ; and for the unconstrained and unexpected Anger that the Psychopath displayed when he was angry at things or people who questioned him.   It is also the Acceptance needed when the victim realises that the situation is far worse than they could possibly imagine and the person they really love is a Psychopath.

B – is for the Blame that he places on you when HE does something wrong and you land up apologizing to him for his dishonestly! it is also for the lack of Boundaries that you did not put around you.

C –  is for Cognitive Dissonance that is caused by the confusion when the Psychopath plays Jekyll and Hyde in numerous aspects of the relationship;  Psychopathy’s nearest relative is listed under Cluster B Disorder – the Cluster B Disorder as described in the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders];

D – is for the Dickhead he is when he plays the Discard card.  Psychopaths are known for just breaking up ruthlessly and without any care for the way it is done. Victims are left reeling as to what just happened.  D is also for  Dupers Delight he gets when he pulls one over you; And for this Dicktionary of terms of his Deviancy . 

E –  is for the Emotional Vampire that he is.   The Energy draining relationship with him that sucks the life out of you.

F – is for the need to say “You are a Fuckwit – just like your dad was”  to him.  Thanks for taking advantage of my kindness.  It is also for the Forgiveness you have find to give yourself when you are trying to recover.  Knowing that you have Forgone so many other things in your life to give full attention to the Psychopath.

G – is for the Garden Variety Psychopath who live amongst us as Friends, Work Colleagues, Neighbours, Siblings, Partners etc.  They are not murderers nor are they the Top Gun CEO type characters. It is also for the victim’s trusting and Gullible nature ideal for getting conned by the Psychopath.

H – is for Hoover when he keeps hoovering around in and out of your life.  Just when you think he is gone – Poof! he appears again.  And if I had only known that he was telling the truth when he said “If a had a dollar for every person who said I Hate You, I would be a Millionaire”.  At least he would be rich and would not be sucking others dry.

I – is for Idiot; Me, of course, for being so silly to keep on giving when I should have stood back and said “No More – Enough is Enough! “.

J – if for the dichotomy of the Jekyll and Hyde personality he had.  He was loving one moment/day/week and then cold and disinterested and condescending and dismissive and angry the next.

K – for the Killer smile he had.  Yup! these womanizers are charming and just know what to say to make you feel loved and great about your presentation. Full points for that – My Love had been with a lot or women to gain all his experience since the age of 9…

L – is for the Love Bombing that you get the pleasure of experiencing at the Victim Lure stage.  This happens at the start where Psychopath “bombs” you with a flood of attention, message texts declaring love and adoration; 

M – is for the Mind Fuck that the Victim goes through during the relationship which results in Cognitive Dissonance;  The Psychopath also a tactic called Mirroring to mimics your likes/ dislikes /preferences just so that you think he has the same interests as you.  It is a luring tactic and Psychopaths are so apt at it most victims believe that the Psychopath is their Soul Mate!   Don’t forget the classic coping mask that the Psychopath has to put on in order to integrate with society – the Mask of Insanity.

N – is for NO Contact – An action taken when the Victim needs to cut loose all ties and communication with the Psychopath to gain freedom;  It also represents the victim’s  Naievity  [defined as innocence, lack of sophistication, lack of experience, ingenuousness, guilelessness, lack of guile, unworldliness, child-likeness, trustfulness] – what a Numnut for falling in love and tolerating so much! But NEVER AGAIN.

O – is for OMG!! I was such a douche for believing this man – let alone TRUST him with my heart and soul.

P – is for PSYCHO!!! It is also for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that one goes through after a relationship with a Psychopath.   There is also the Pathological Liar that he is .. you need to not believe anything that is verbalized unless you were there to witness it.  It also represents the Promiscuity and Pimping that the Psychopath has in all his relationships.

Q – is for the Questions he evades when he is silent, not contactable, disinterested and still has the gall to ask you to loan him monies via one short message, as he was love bombing another supply.

R – is for the Ruthlessness he displays at times matching the action of a Discard, Silent Treatment or Triangulation.  Yet he was SO gentle just yesterday .. It MUST be your fault he is acting like this.

S – is for the Stockholm Syndrome psychological effect that Victims are inextricably linked to the Abusers.  Refer case study  Stockholm Syndrome.   The Psychopath also needs his pool of Supply in order to survive. These are the women the Psychopath targets in order to get finances, lifestyle needs, sex, etc;  It is also for the Smirk he gives after Dupers Delight has been just played.   Don’t forget the very important … Silent Treatment!  The times when you wonder if you did something so wrong to upset him, or if he moved to another state,  or if he is talking to another woman/messaging on a kids site or if he is simply asleep – for a few days ? ..

T – is for Triangulation when the Psychopath plays one woman off another in order to keep both women on the edge and insecure.  Triangulation can also involve feeling jealous that the Psychopath is spending more time with his pet. There are also the classic Twenty Traits that test for Psychopathy from Robert Hare.

U – is for Unconditional Love you kept giving the Psychopath time after time thinking as others in his life have failed him, you can’t.  So you keep bearing and tolerating in vain hope he will see the love and light and turn his life around for the better.   U is also for the Unicorns that exist, just like the likely hood for the Psychopath making a permanent change for the better.

V – is for Victims. The people who love and care for these Psychopaths and those who have to understand and manage his disorder.

W –  if for the Word Salad that a Psychopath dishes out when you are having a discussion/ argument about a topic in order to throw you off the line of questioning.  Replies to your questions that are irrelevant but sound like they are related.

X – is for the XXX Extra Large pain you get when you are in/out/during/ a relationship with a Psychopath when he hurts you.  Somehow, they do it so well .. unless you get rid of them to another dimension. It is for the X-ray vision you need to have to see through all his tricks.

Y –  is for YOU.  When you realise that the Psychopath saw holes in you that he could fulfill and things you were lacking in your life.

Z – Is for … I give up. It is late. Need sleep ..

 

The Truth Hits Home – A Psychopath’s Brain

Sandra Brown. Women who love Psychopaths

Written back in Dec 2016.  Publishing now August 2018.

Today marks the third day of me reading this book.  It has been a long tiresome journey of one and a half years after discovering his disorder.  I feel like I have had to read and research a million books and sites to get this this part of my journey!  This book by Sandra Brown “Women Who Love Psychopaths” was known to me at the beginning of my suspicions but due to circumstances I could not get the book immediately.  I am glad that I didn’t because reading it now is the right time for me.

Sandra’s book is gut wrenching because it hits on ALL THE POINTS for why I was such a target .. The role of what and who I am plays such an important part of our relationship. How my personality traits allowed him to get so close to me and also take advantage of all my strengths to make them my weaknesses.  In this aspect, this is the only book that I have come across that maps out the characteristics that are similar between the Super Empathic victim and the Psychopathic abuser – why the relationship works so well for both parties in fulfilling their needs.  Despite hating myself for being conned by him all these years, I felt better having read why I was so inclined to do so due to the type of characteristics I had.  It made me realise why I did not give up on him when so many others might have abandoned a lost cause.  “Women Who Love Psychopaths” also high lights the relationship patterns that are so common in all the victim’s stories.

Sandra harps on the point that a Psychopath is unable to make permanent or lasting changes to their behaviour, resulting in ineffective relationships and eventual harm to the women to who love them.   She brings home the point when she asks if one would ask something of a mentally retarded or disabled person that they are so incapable of doing  –  the SAME applies to a Psychopath.  Well .. I imagined a person with no legs – asking them to run. Well they can’t and they never will be able to – they just don’t have that piece of equipment. Whilst all this while I had read that a Psychopaths brain was different, it took this imagery in my mind to truly understand that I, in a mental capacity was asking My Love to do things he would never be able capable of doing in the first place.

This book and numerous others, discuss the fact that due to the lack of physical development in a few areas of a Psychopath’s brain, he is emotionally unable to feel Empathy.  As a result, a Psychopath does not have the ability feel the hurt he causes, and that lack of feeling means that he is able to re-offend without much thought or care. If you put your hand in fire and you don’t get burnt like others, it is inconsequential to you if you put it in fire again.  However, if you want to fit in with the rest of the crowd, then you will pretend that upon touching fire, your facial expression should be of agony, you jump up and down waving your hand in the air and you cry from the pain.  

When a Psychopath realises at some stage of his life that he is different, he learns to cope and blend in with society using  a from of detached learning.  In this way, a Psychopath has to compensate by remembering what the outcomes  or reactions are from those around him, to different emotional situations created by him.  He learns to be very observant and is constantly studying reactions and body language.  Due to the Psychopath’s innate desire to be top dog,  it will always be a game of emotions to dominate as many women as he can lure throughout his life.

Generally, their level of emotional development age stays around a biological age of a teenager – perhaps fifteen, sixteen years of age.   He may look like a man, behave sexually like a man, have the bravado like a cave man BUT every other aspect of his character demonstrated irresponsibility and recklessness similar to the level of  teenager still figuring out life.

SO … to SANDRA BROWN – A BIG THANK YOU for helping me finally get over the line.  I GET IT FINALLY !! http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I have read and researched SO MUCH about the brain, psychopathy and spirituality all these 18 months.  It has been EXHAUSTING and I a very tired.  But every bit of information is starting to sink in, piece together and I am actually able to stand back and look at him in a different light. Weirdly, I am also finding him a “fascinating” subject because I can now predict his reactions and movements. I feel detached from him and he no longer feels like a mystery or a wonderful human being in my eyes anymore. Merely a subject for my analysis.  I watch him with caution and detachment.  And with resentment and hatred too.

In some ways, when I look at all the helpless blubbering messes women turn into at the hands of a Psychopath, I wonder why we allowed ourselves to get to that stage and what state are we left in at the end of the relationship?  It is embarrassing, it is ridiculous.  And yet, the victims, women who are strong, women who are kind, all sorts of women with traits that “match” the Psychopath’s needs – are left destroyed and confused.  I know that Sandra Brown’s book mentions that the women who love Psychopaths generally have high functioning, have self sufficient, with good careers and back grounds – but based on the contact I have had from readings and sites, it seems that there is just as large a population of women who do not necessarily have those characteristics.  I feel that as long as there is a benefit of some sort ie. free accommodation, some cash flow support, etc the Psychopath will use anyone as convenience.  However, yes it does make sense that a more well endowed victim would be preferred if there was a choice.

From Sandra Brown’s book and others that I have read, here are the messages that I truly believe every victim who has been through a destructive Psychopathic relationship should try to understand:-

• Psychopaths can never change PERMANENTLY.  All changes are “short lived” due to the fact that their brains are built in a way that do not allow them to learn from their experiences.  Faulty wiring that CANNOT be fixed.  Any attempted changes to their ways generally they falter and they revert back to their “default” setting.   In this sense, I really saw how hard he wanted to start a fresh, be good and make something out of his life BUT he was never able to sustain it for longer than a month? two months? a week? Each woman he hooked up with offered a new promise to a normal life – but he always fucked it up. And within a period of time (generally 2 years)  the relationships were torn and tattered and he had to move  on.  Other failed lifestyle changes included – He tried to stop smoking – a billion times;  He said he was going to start saving, pay his fines on time and not live day to day – a million times;   He promised to stop getting so angry and using abusive language – a thousand times. He said he would not hurt me anymore – a hundred times.
• There is a natural tendency for a Psychopath to want to have the upper hand, to manipulate and hurt.  As long as you stay with the Psychopath, you will always be a VICTIM.  He will always cheat on you and play with your emotions.
  
• Unless you change the way you behave and think about the Psychopath, he will continue to lure you back in after each discard.  YOU have all the traits that make you compatible to the Psychopath.  Hence that is why YOU as an empathic person were targeted.  If the toy does not make a sound when the bully prods it, the bully will leave it alone.   The Psychopath needs you to preen HIS feathers!!!
• STOP believing or trying to understand if he ever loved you.  It was always a one-way relationship.  Psychopaths ATTACH and you LOVE … When Sandra mentioned this in her book, it made me think hard about the concept.  If we are referring to attachment, we refer to objects such as a favorite pair of shoes or handbag.  From his perspective,  I was just another shoe, another coat.  I may have been one of his favorite ones, or maybe not.
  

I also found Ron Johnson’s book The Psychopath Test a very good read – being a journalist, he presented the topic in a very detached manner; comical and cynical –  his book explored the subject matter in a detached manner and I started with this book at beginning of my research as it approached psychopathy in a non personal manner.

In summary – once the penny dropped and I understood the true nature of psychopathy, I decided that all the effort that I had put into the relationship over the many years was for little to no gain.  The only gain was that I learnt about me as  hyper-empath because another type of personality could take advantage of me for who I was.   

If I didn’t want to be a current or future target anymore, I had to change some things :-

• Establish some boundaries of in terms of how much I was willing to do in terms of helping others.
• Keep my core essence of being empathetic but remember save myself before I saved others.
• Not jump in too deeply and quickly when trying to help others.  Assess the person in a more critical light ie. be less trusting.
  

For all the women who ever loved Psychopaths – Do not underestimate the amount of time you needed to research the topic of Psychopathy,  the understanding required to comprehend what the disorder is all about,  the patience and acceptance of your situation to get to a calm stage in order to execute an exit plan and the strength and determination needed to survive the mind-fuck, abuse and PTSD.

I know there is the defense that due to the fact that the Psychopath has the inability to “help” himself due to brain limitations, “It is not their fault they were born this way”.  But neither is it your fault if you decide to give up and defend yourself from harm.  A Psychopath has to figure out how to survive with his disabilities and he will continue to use as many women and friends as he can to make it through this lifetime.  If you adopt a path of sympathetic reasoning, knowing full well that he is a Psychopath, you will never get yourself out of his loop of abuse.   Instead, go back to basics:  You cannot save him because he cannot be saved.    He does not need you to survive – but you will not survive if you stay.  SO SAVE YOU and DON’T STAY.

RESOURCES WORTH CHECKING OUT

• Ron Johnson – The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry. http://www.jonronson.com/   ;  https://themillions.com/2011/05/mad-mad-world-jon-ronsons-the-psychopath-test.html

• Sandra Brown – Women who love Psychopaths. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
  
• There is a site on WordPress that is written by “HG. .. ” I am not going to promote it but when you will find it and what he writes is close to home.
• James (Jim) Fallon – a self proclaimed neuroscientist – a rather amusing character  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_H._Fallon

https://www.rd.com/true-stories/neuroscientist-brain-psychopath/

• The Mask of Insanity –  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask_of_Sanity

 

Psychopath Gallery – Eyes Seize Truth

During my time with the Psychopath, I used Art as a form of distracting myself and give myself some time to go into the zone.  A space in my head when the mindless chatter would sometimes slow down and I would be able to just space out.  Each of the Art pieces you see in the Psychopath Gallery could take from 1 to 4 hours to complete.  Each piece drawn represents A Concept or Emotion that I was confronted with about Psychopathy.   I have drawn about 60 odd pieces to date.

Here are two pieces I drew displaying the Concept of Seeing the Pain and the Truth.

Psychopath Gallery – “DRAGON TEAR”

He was born in the year of the Dragon.  Very much aware that he was different and had thoughts and perspectives so different from the rest of us.  I know he was at times saddened by all that he found hard to grapple with since a young boy.

Psychopath Gallery – “EYES SEIZE TRUTH”  ..  A play on I see-the Truth ..

Open your eyes and see the truth for what it is. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO.

 

 

Recovery from the Psychopath – Yes YOU CAN

“Reprogramming” to change the way neurons connect and create new Synapse connections

Psychopath Gallery – “REPROGRAMMING SYNAPSES”.  Think differently about the Psychopath and allow your brain to see him in a different way.

To UNDO how one feels about someone, how one responds to words and suggestions is really hard.  Imagine undoing Pavlov’s dog’s training. The fact that you were being trained and groomed without even knowing it!  The love bombing and constant attention is SO addictive.   Not to mention the attention, adoration and for somebody else who takes control (caveman type control)… 

Slowly, unknowingly, one relies on these stimulus to give us the highs for the day and to a worse degree, to feel good about oneself. And after leaving the Psychopath, even a small reminder can cause so much heartache and pain.  And believe me .. NO other normal person can possibly give you the type of INTENSE relationship the Psychopath did.  

So how does one change one’s reaction and feelings towards such a strong stimulus? CHANGE HAPPENS WHEN  YOU HAVE INTENTION AND A WAY TO REPROGRAM YOURSELF. 

Firstly – You must recognize that you have been conditioned and trained.  All of it – 100% manipulated and per-orchestrated.  And the good news is – you are not the first. Many others have fallen prey before and you are not stupid, just a bit too giving .. Read read read – look at how you are reacting to the Psychopaths messages, words and look for times when he is in the wrong and you find yourself apologizing.  If you can catch yourself in the act of apologizing,  take a breath and STOP. 

What are your responses to when he pays attention, not pay attention, say I love you, not say it, silence? cold tones, loving gushy tones, when he mentions other women in a subtle way, in an intense way …  YOU have become your own subject to analyse.  Which words have an impact and why? Is it the fact he says he loves you numerous times a day?  is it the sexting? is it the soft toned longing voice that he uses?  I must have needed all that there was a void that he simply filled

…   Within a few years of being with My Love, I realized how much I had changed, slowly and surely he HAD changed me.  I will say that there were GOOD things that happened out of the relationship for me – because he paid attention to me, I was paying attention to me too in all facets of my life. So I am grateful for those changes but not for the pain it was part of the relationship.

If you can  TRULY understand that you have been groomed and conditioned, you can try to change.

*****

Secondly  – You need to UNLEARN your preconditioned responses to the Psychopath.  There is definitely a choice to change and scientific research points to the fact our brain creates new synapses and neuron connections as long as we choose to respond differently to the same stimulus.  You need to study the Psychopath and study yourself. 

For example, when the Psychopath does not message, tell yourself not to be in such as hurry to reach for the phone and ask why or say you  miss him.   Give it a day, or more if you can manager and see if HE eventually responds.  

For example, when the Psychopath asks you for money, DON’T be so quick to offer it.  Ask when and IF he will return it; offer to loan half the amount; try saying you don’t have the money – watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

When he showers you with loving messages, don’t be as gushy and reduce the frequency of your responses; say less; talk about other things and once again, watch his reaction to your  non-typical responses.

Eventually, you will get the hang of your science experiment and with each experiment you will see yourself change and understand how the psychopathic conditioning happened to you. Test out your theories .. the Psychopath has taken pains to study your patterns, do the same for him. 

******

Thirdly – You need repetitive reinforcement. Set an Intention and a “Self Talk Phrase”.  For Intention, a vision that you are free and happy again (just google this subject as it is thoroughly covered).  Carry this vision as often as you can.  

Find a few sentences (ideally 3 to 4) that you can repeat  OVER and OVER again every time things get hard.  Anything from “I love you but you are toxic“; “You have hurt too many times and I choose to move on”; “I do not need you; I know you are with other women”.  Every time you are triggered by him, by you and when you think you cannot deny him, REPEAT the same set of sentences to yourself.  I also suggest using a form of EMDR whilst doing your Self Talk. I repeated my self talk for at least 6 to 9 months, 10 to 4 times a day.  

*****

In the months during my attempts of NO CONTACT .. I wrote this: – With some distance now, I can see how I was trained to behave and react to his comments.  When he said/messaged “You should come and do this”  it meant that I HAD to do it.  If I suggested an alternative activity, it was not going to happen – only his way.   And stupidly, I would fret when he became silent when I did not agree with him.  All this I had to reverse and reprogram while going through my hoover stage now. Yes he is still lingers ..as I have not gained full strength.

I know it is hard to try to change feelings and reactions – triggers and tears BUT each piece of knowledge I gain about the brains, the surrounding electrical and energy fields, our spiritual and scientific self can help our final healing.   

*****

References

• In the “E-Squared” book by Pam Grout page 11 she writes about Intentions being instantaneous as in the quantum world. Imagine how amazing that would be/ is!!
• In Cyndi Dale’s book “The Subtle Body Practice Manual” page 108 it gives steps to setting a new intention.
• https://www.ted.com/talks/sandrine_thuret_you_can_grow_new_brain_cells_here_s_how?language=en
• http://www.serenityvibrationhealing.com/  – I attended a course for this – the concept being you can download programs that are ready to be used.
• EMDR http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

 

Ending a relationship with NO CLOSURE

Victims often find it hard to end a Psychopathic Relationship – Often the victim HAS to walk away, having NO CLOSURE to the relationship.  Either you leave the psychopath or he leaves you.  It is rarely amicable. Unlike in a normal relationship generally, both parties get to sit down, talk things over and decide, “Oh well, it is better we part as it is not going to work”.

If you leave him, you run the risk of him being vicious and vindictive as he is not ready to let go, or if he lets you “go”, you will be hovered and pursued again after some time has elapsed.

If he leaves you – it tends to be sudden and then there is generally silence.  The psychopath has either latched on to another source of supply or has realised his relationship with his current supply (whom he was playing off against you) needs saving.

But if you don’t leave you will  continue to argue with the psychopath about why he treated you “that way” or lied.  But try ..  you need time as you are SO confused, you need space to think.  By then your mind is full of jumbled thoughts and “jumping monkeys” that you no longer live in the space of the current time.

WALKING AWAY when I still loved my love so much was one of the most painful and hardest things I have had to do.  He wasn’t ready to let me go and he wasn’t happy that I then had control over the relationship.  He was so used to testing and teasing me with the line “OK – This is it then ..” to which I would then retract my accusations and accept the situation as it was.  But this time, I found the courage and strength to start the “No Contact” process.  Victims need to go No Contact even if it is for a short time to start off.  I urge you if you can, have a break, a small one if you can’t think of it forever. Try to set a time frame of 2 weeks .. 1 month .. 3 months to start.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE PAST THE FOG IF YOU ARE CONSTANTLY TRAPPED IN IT.

Here are some questions I have for the my love, the wolf…

• WHAT does it feel like to want to devour another – body, mind and soul?
• DID you really love me – in whatever capacity you had? ie. Did I mean something to you compared to the others?
• WHEN your soul is empty do you fill yourself up with the emotions from others? Is that why you find it unbearable to be on your own with your own company? Without these emotions would you really feel bored? Couldn’t you just join a soccer team and do sport like other people do?
• IS this game or intention something you actually get joy out of? ie. making friends with unsuspecting women/teenagers to try to get them to say they love you or send you a photo of themselves within a maximum of 6 messages?
• IS life all about getting a person to confide in you – you feel like it is “win” that they trust YOU – a total online stranger – with all their deep secrets?
• I read that you actually can’t feel empathy or love (as best as we can define it) – or CAN you? If you can, does it ever last and how long? Was I one of the longest you had?
• WHY do you get bored with women so easily and move from one to another?  Is it that once you have studied them sufficiently, you need new challenges?
• DOES the knowledge that someone really loving you NOT mean anything to you?
• WHICH bits of your life stories that you have told me are real?
• Do you know I truly feel sorry for you in the sense that you will land up old and lonely just like your dad in his dying days? You hated him so much for leaving you and your mum and for being a womaniser but yet you are just like him…
  

I gave you – Me, My Heart and Unconditional Love. EVEN NOW – knowing what you are – if I knew you were in an accident or really needed help, I would still come.  I think I will always feel this way even with the passing of time. I love you, you dickhead Psychopath.

But for now- I have to cut my losses. Too much was not making sense and I was getting sick of the silent treatment and the dismissive devaluing comments.

MORE TO FOLLOW:  Leaving a Psychopath is a dangerous move.

 

 

 

The start of Cognitive Dissonance

I didn’t even know of  this term, “Cognitive Dissonance” – prior to my suicidal thoughts.  The fact that my brain had been so… to put it mildly, mind-fucked by him over the years we were together.  

To start the story – My love, being a psychopath knew exactly what to do to get what they need for the moment and the result he wanted. He studied me and knew how to make me smile, and feel loved, and wanted. Just like he had studied many others before me.

A PSYCHOPATH WATCHES AND/OR STUDIES HIS SUBJECTS.  HE IS A HUMAN OBSERVER – MUCH LIKE HOW WE LOOK AT MOLECUALR STRUCTURES THROUGH THE MICROSCOPE.

I think he would have made a great behavioural consultant with all his conclusions on human behaviour based on his observations over the years.  He made a career of it. He loved sitting back and watching the human traffic go by, making comments about what he thought of them, their background, how/why they dressed the way they did and speculate on their confidence level based on their walk and movements.  This included observations as to whether they would be a good “target”.  He never used that word of course,   but now I know what he meant. The ability to study human behaviour, body language and the power of observation, is definitely one of the key asset my love had.   The really pretty girls are insecure – why? they would anything to protect their popularity.  The less/ least attractive ones are most willing to please and will do anything in the bedroom. This father is hitting on his daughter – you can see how she hangs around him. On-line participants were as assesses based on their responses and their on-line profile pictures.

A psychopath observes and stores your reactions and  information for later to use to manipulate.  While all this is happening, you unknowingly fall in deep love like no other time in your life. How?

A PSYCHOPATH CAN ABSOLUTELY DEVOUR YOU WITH THEIR ATTENTION AND MAKE YOU THE FOCUS OF THEIR LIFE.

They pay attention and LOVE BOMB you.  They know how much to lay down on the line and then pull back on (imagine a fisher man angling).  They are always asking and probing about your thoughts, views and intrigued with your life.  It is a data collection process, to be used later against you. I will be totally honest now in saying – to achieve and maintain the level of intense interest a psychopath gives you at the initial infatuation stage – no normal person has that capacity.  Why? Because it is like doing a Masters Degree in a zipped file format. That’s pretty tiring  and you have to be good at it.  YES when a “normal” couple are interested in each other, they do talk a lot, are engrossed and they do exchange information and affection. But they don’t “play games with emotions” and they allow the passage of time to pass to ensure the relationship grows in a stable manner. My love hurried. I was attracted but really wanted more time and to go slowly.

By though the love bombing, things happen so fast, you are caught in a whirlwind romance and get courted off your feel. So everything you do is at a faster pace and whilst it is out of your control, it is not out of his. Once again, I stipulate, one needs to find the psychopath attractive in the first place for all this to work. If he is unattractive to you, you would not even be with him. If you are not attracted, none of this will get very far as you would have told the person normal or other wise to get lost. 

A PSYCHOPATH CAN PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR MIND, SAY AND DO THINGS TO CONFUSE TO ABSOLUTELY CONFUSE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

As psychopaths are pathological liars, it is hard to know which bits are real. So when my love said one thing, I believed him. But the next time he recounts the same thing, he throws in something else that makes you do a double take and think.. “Noooooo, you didn’t quite say it that way last time”. Or – he says one thing and does exactly the opposite in action. Which makes you doubt his integrity ever so slightly.  Or – he says purports a belief which contradicts what he knows is against your moral grain. You get my drift, mind fuck and black lies.

So over time, between been love bombed and mind fucked, you have loose threads in your brain that get tangled and you spend all you time unraveling them. THIS IS THE START OF CD. More and more inconsistencies accumulate and you start to question your perception of  him and be uncomfortable with yourself – conflicting beliefs, attitudes and/or behaviours.  When you start to have doubts or arguments within yourself, this produces a feeling of conflict and discomfort.  What you see and hear and are told, IS NOT what you experience in another form.

 So for me,

On one hand ……..– he knew what to do or say to make me feel good about myself

– he knew what made me SMILE (like winking or doing silly faces or distracting me when I was speaking to someone from behind their back)
– he knew his  compliments and show of show interest in me physically, made me feel good (always interested what I wore)
– he knew that by talking to me about his sad life stories and how disadvantaged he was, that I was happy to help him out  and listen to him.     – he knew topics and subject matters which intrigued me and would tell me about his similar experiences    – he knew my moods .. he knew me… he mirrored. …. And he had the nicest voice, green eyes and cheeky smile – which is always a plus.

On the OTHER hand …… – he knew what to do to make me doubt me and doubt my self judgment of him

–  he knew I was enough of a confident person and would undermine my self confidence by bringing in concepts of love with other women. Let me tell you this – I do not like being a person who acts jealous. to me if the person is with you, they are with you.  Yet he told me how despite him loving me, he had feelings for ….his fiancée … as well as his previous fiancée, and others throughout his life.  I now recognise these as TRIANGULATION tactics.

In a way, I felt most sorry for his ex-current fiancée in that she was always pitched against her two teenage daughters as a jealously ploy. I remember how he said to me one day that she had said “If you are so interested in my daughter, go **  her”.  I cannot imagine the anguish she must have felt… she also apparently threw a KNIFE at him! A REAL pity that she missed! She would have been fully in love, knowing he had lovers and was also eyeing her kids at home.- he also eyed the girls at work and female customers- happy to be inciting jealousy on my end.

–  he knew I valued a “fairness” concept but he was tardy in his work ethics and rarely took responsibility for the errors he made or admitting to them. And when he did, it was always laughed off and brushed away as minor.  – he would abuse the other employees and threatened them until I told him he wouldn’t last if he kept it up…-

….. And there are many more examples I can cite.

All these CONFLICTING feelings about the things he did, unknown to me, WAS the start of his play on my mind’s ethics and trusting myself.  How could my love be so loving to me but at the same time cause me so much great pain?

He says he has a had a hard life and others take advantage of him – BUT how is it that HE takes advantage of me and what I do?

He says that his family has abandoned but how is it he shows no concern when I need help?

A normal less empathetic person would have said at some stage – “Fuck Off”.  But – But – But  I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is deep down good and if only SOME ONE gives him a chance and sticks by him, he will be okay! He has had a hard life SO I MUST continue to be there to support and love him.  That way no matter what, he knows there is someone who will not let him down the way his family and those previous women in his life did.  There lies a major flaw – Empaths are really stupid in this way, if I may say so.

In living within a mindset that is constantly fighting within itself with thoughts that cause moral, emotional, judgmental issues I have set myself up as his play toy.  Prone to manipulation as I continue to be in the intense relationship. The start of Cognitive Dissonance … in a downward spiral motion.