Can you have PTSD after being with a Psychopath
They say after an encounter with a Psychopath the victims (can) suffer from post trauma stress disorder. In terms of “trauma”, you expect a victim to have been physically abused, been in a car crash or been through war. But really? After being in a relationship with a psychopath? After all – none of those events have happened to me – so why would I be so pathetic to say I am going through PTSD?
I say at this stage that I am no longer with him. We went our separate ways under a year ago. But I have been in contact occasionally and at time more than occasionally … So I am officially at the Post breakup stage. I can claim the letter P.
During after the relationship, I was in tears – a lot. I cried mainly because my love and I could not be together even though we were in love. Those tears were mixed with other emotions which didn’t help the tears of course.
Emotions such as Jealousy – because at times I felt jealous that he expressed how he would love to ** another woman he saw on the street, or how the hairdresser would press his head into her breasts as she cut his hair.
Emotions such as Fear because at times, he would get into such a rage at others around us and I feared he would not be able to control his temper and he would act on his statements such as “Come to your house and rape you (the person he was threatening)”.
Emotions such as Hate as he tried to break up with me one day and then say two days later “Miss you and we will always be together no matter what”- and you know you are being mind f**ked.
Oh I have to go back to the emotion of Jealousy because you can also get jealous of the lady who massaged him years ago and couldn’t help herself at the massage session; or the drug dealer’s neighbor who took a fancy to him and begged him let her be his girlfriend; or the Canadian lady who got intimate with him over the Internet [until her husband found out and put an end to it], or the special lady friend who was abused by her father as a teenager and calls him “daddy” when she declares her love for him over Skype; or even the unknown “friend who stayed over because her house was too far but nothing happened between us”.
Emotions such as Obsession where everything you do is for or about him – Feeding, caring, nurturing, supporting (psychopath was often depressed and had no money to buy his meals)…
A lot of people who have been in/are in/ or are now out of relationships with psychopaths would have gotten to a point in their dealings where they say “OMG WTF!! What just happened to me? Is he a psychopath? Is THAT what he is?” ……. It is like coming out of a fog. Throughout the relationship, victims lose control over the situation and are in so deep, that even IF they can see what the psychopath is doing wrong, they make excuses for his behavior. To anyone who is amazingly logical and clear headed that sounds ludicrous. Just walk away! But when one is in love – and deeply in love – and believes that one can save and help the psychopath to live a better life, ALL efforts are worthwhile. Even if you give up your fundamental value systems. Pathetic eh? I will discuss that another time. [Ref: TRAUMA BONDING]. Remember at this stage you are unaware that what you do has little or NO impact on his life. He is always in control and plotting his next move.
So after you have hit the WTF snow storm, analyzed, obsessed, assessed and more or less assessed that your love is a psychopath, what happens? You start to feel the pain. The pain of realization that all you done for him was in vain, that you have been duped, that you realize you cannot trust that people around you are at face value honest and do not lie to such a large extent; that you ACTUALLY love(d) this disordered person. Your days become unlivable and you spend a lot of time researching the topic, thoughts about him can trigger massive crying sprees, you lose interest in exercising, you initiate the Bridget Jones ice-cream sessions, you “day dream” a lot. The words “day dream” have a connotation of loveliness and fluffy stuff. But in PTSD, day dreams are blank stares into space, with some feeling like you are sort of in the room physically but not there. (This happened 90 percent of the time initially but it has decreased to about 40 percent.)
I spend a lot of time living in MY MIND. (And I did this throughout my relationship with him) – questioning, trying to fathom out what I did/ he did that did not make sense, hating myself for not being able to walk away and say “No more of your shit, thank you” …
Apparently with trauma, the LHS of the brain shuts down and the RHS relives the moments. [Ref: The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk]. And that sounds like my kind of day dreaming. When I drift off, I feel nothing (sometimes I feel a tiny squeezy grip in the middle of my chest) – and then I just break down in tears and curl into a ball. I stop driving at that stage and pull over. At least I am not cutting myself as much and I have started taking anti-depressant pills. Now, can I claim the rest of the letters Post the TSD?
Suggested reading – I found these books very effective is describing Post Trauma Stress Disorder. https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/body-keeps-score-van-der-kolk
psychopathMyLove 